Sydney, 22 October 2017
I love to spend my money not only for me, but also for ones that I love. I know money is not love, but money is one of medium to show how I honestly love someone. I can use any other things that I have other than money. I am willing to give everything that I have: my time, my effort, my assets, my thought, even my life, for the ones that I love.
We used to live in poverty. As a kid, we might want many things fancy, but we knew that we should not ask for that. Now the situation has changed. I work and earn decent salary. I share my gratitude to people surround me. I can be rich by being stingy and selfish. But remembering the days we have been trough, I would have never been here now without them. And also, to me, what is the meaning of life if I don't share kindness and be useful for other people before I die?
Just like few months ago, I had extra saving and I planned to buy my mom a new tablet and give her current tablet for my elder sister. I remember my mom said that her current tablet that I bought for her a year ago is too heavy and to big, and I know that my elder sister's phone was broken. But then, my mom told my elder sister about my plan and my elder sister asked me money instead of a phone. She just bought a new house and she is in a constraint budget. So I agree to give her some money instead.
Also, few months ago, Samsung galaxy note 8 has been released and it was so attractive. I have been a galaxy note user since 2011 and moving to galaxy S series makes me miss the stylus' features. I told this to my crush and he agreed to buy my galaxy S8 so I have a reason to buy a galaxy note 8. However I know that he might not be able to afford galaxy S8 since it is too pricey so I give him a huge discount for my used galaxy S8 by a special condition: challenging myself. I said to him, if I can lose weight until my weight reaches 50 kg, you have to pay my phone at agreed price, but if I cannot reach 60 kg, you'll get it for free. A stupid promise, don't you think? But that's how I become an illogical person when I love someone.
(Well, he denied my offer and said that he wanted to buy it from me, never to get it for free. I was then understand his words that he wants his own dignity and I should not disrespect him as if I can buy his dignity by my money.) Shortly after, I bought a new galaxy note 8 and store my S8 inside the drawer for him.
And a month before my departure to my hometown for summer vacation, my niece asked me to buy her a set of Barbie doll from Australia. Yesterday, I went to Toy's R Us and bought it for her. I don't know whether or not she understands how adults try to manage their financial spending. But again, when I was a kid, I never got a fancy gift from someone travelling abroad like this. So for me, this is the way how I pay my childhood dream. Why should I force my niece to live at the same situation that I had in the past?
I also save my spending in Australia and send it home to cover my financial deficit at home. I ask my younger sister to manage all my salary and bills at home. And I completely forgot that she has once asked me to give her a bit amount of money left at the year end for her to add her budget to buy a used car. Now I have spent all my extra money for other things but left nothing for my younger sister. I know that she might feel bit disappointed knowing that she has helped me by managing all my financial, but why I gave my money to other people instead and left nothing for her? Now I am feeling super guilty.
And the worst thing, I try to recalculate again my future spending and my budget for inviting my mom and my younger sister to attend my graduation in Australia, but there is no way that I will have enough budget for that. While, there are still lots of other future spending I should pay. I think, I should have not just easily spent my money without thinking my long-run spending. Now I put myself into a real trouble.
Do I regret giving them? Am I trying to insincerely bring up my grant? No, not at all. I never regret it. I am happy for them and I don't mind about my own condition as long as they are happy. They don't know my blog and they don't read this blog either. I am writing this just because sometimes I am over-worried about something and by telling the story can calm me down. And lastly, I believe that the worry is just in my mind and I believe that there must be a way for me. I shouldn't let worry takes over my optimism.
Do I regret giving them? Am I trying to insincerely bring up my grant? No, not at all. I never regret it. I am happy for them and I don't mind about my own condition as long as they are happy. They don't know my blog and they don't read this blog either. I am writing this just because sometimes I am over-worried about something and by telling the story can calm me down. And lastly, I believe that the worry is just in my mind and I believe that there must be a way for me. I shouldn't let worry takes over my optimism.
