Misophonia (2)

Sydney, 31 May 2017

It is 5 am early morning. I just finished my essay assignment couple hours ago. I am just lying on my bed but I am not sleepy yet. Probably because I had a short nap last evening.

But my peacefulness is just disturbed by my roommate. He just came back home from shomewhere I don't know. He brings foods into our room since he is having sahur. But what irritates me is his loud noise when he chews his food. He should have closed his mouth when he chews his food. That's an etiquette. 

Or do I suffer from misophonia?

Staphylococcus Aureus

Sydney, 29 May 2017

I am having an assignment due on Wednesday, but I just can't concentrate. So I wander on my Facebook and I found a very misleading information about homosexuality posted by homophobic bigot. What really makes me sad is that the post has been liked and shared by some of my friends. It is so heartbreaking. So this is the post and its link:

"Ada tulisan bagus , spy kita tahu penyebab virus2 homo ... Naudzubillaah min dzaalik, Laa haula wa laa quwwata illaa billaah...

STOP DULU BAHAS SARA!!!

URGENT!!! 

KITA BAHAS HOMO. !!!!!!

Saya sudah gak tahan lagi untuk membahas soal Kaum Sodom terlaknat ini!

ARGHHH!!!

Ini kaum yang seharusnya di serang.

Ini alasan kita harus BERSATU.

Bayangiiiinnnn...

Jumlah perempuan di bumi udah semakin meningkat, eh tu lekong malah make tititnya buat main pedang-pedangan dengan sesama. 🙊

Akhirnya, timbullah valakor-valakor yang ngerebut lakik orang. Karena lakik yang waras udah miniiimmmm. Apalagi lakik yang waras, ganteng dan baik hati. Langkaaaa... Untung Raisa sudah ngekepin satu. wkwkwkwk...

Foto : 144 Homo yang berhasil diringkus polisi ketika melakukan pesta seks di sebuah Gym ternama di Jakarta. yang ditangkat mulai dari penari telanjang/gigolo, event organizer hingga peserta acara. Semuanya bugiillll seperti ini.

Lantas, apakah kita masih bertanya kenapa terlalu banyak musibah yang menimpa negeri ini?

Terus, timbul pertanyaan tentang kenapa harus di gym penyebaran homo?

Karena gym adalah tempat yang paling gak steril🙈🙈🙈

Ketika mempelajari tentang strain bakteri bersama suhu menuk Kiki, sampailah kami pada salah satu strain bakteri yang resisten terhadap antibiotik individu. Bakteri inilah yang memengaruhi hormon dan sinyal otak manusia. Jadinya, pindah gender atau pindah orientasi seksual.

Nama bakteri ini adalah staphylococus aureus.

Coba aja browsing staphylococus aureus and homosexuality akan ada beberapa jurnal yang membuktikan peran bakteri ini pada perubahan orientasi seksual.

Nah, bakteri ini beredar pada darah dan memengaruhi sistem kerja saraf pusat. Tapiii mangkalnya di bawah lapisan kulit dan kelenjar keringat. Jadiii bergesekan keringat dengan homo bisa menyebabkan kontaminasi, sebenarnya. Tapi, sekarang tergantung pada kondisi kesehatan manusia itu sendiri. Kalau orangnya sehat dengan mental yang sehat juga, infeksi bakteri gak akan parah.

Kenapa di gym?

Pernah ke gym?

Ada gak yang bersihkan alat gym abis dipake?

Gak ada!

Abis dipake si A dan jelas di situ nempel keringat terus dipake sama Si B. Nah, cowok berotot kebanyakan exhibitionist yah... pamer otot, pake kaos ketat atau malah gak pake kaos sama sekali. Kontak inilah yang bikin si bakteri cepet nyebar.

Apalagi kalau sudah pernah melakukan anal atau oral seks. Jelas sekali penularan bakteri ini. Makanya biasanya orang yang memiliki penyimpangan seksual ini juga memiliki masalah kelainan mental (depresi, OCD, anxiety, anger, dan perilaku menyimpang lainnya) dan masalah kesehatan tubuh.

Pengembangan penyembuhan homoseksual menggunakan antibiotik IV dan suplemen pendukung untuk penyembuhan kaum ini. Namun, pengobatan ini dikecam sama pendukung LGBT karena mereka merasa tidak sakit. Kalau saya sih bilang mereka takut. Hahahaa... (Jadi inget film x-men)

Tau film world war z?

Film itu mantep bener.

Bakteri akan selalu mencari inang sehat. Mereka akan selalu ingin menduplikasi diri.

Begitu pula dengan kaum homo ini yang akan selalu mencari teman karena pengaruh di otak mereka seperti itu. Kaum homo tidak akan bisa berkembang biak karena sperma tidak diciptakan untuk membuahi jakun atau usus besar. Satu-satunya cara menduplikasi diri adalah dengan menyebarkan penyakit mereka. Penularan dan penularan.

Jelas mereka ngeri lah kalau sampai kaum mereka disembuhkan.

Sekitar 3 tahun lalu, saya diskusi di grup bule tentang homo. Komen saya tentang adanya bakteri staphylococus dikecam banyak orang. Tapi, di antara kecaman itu ada orang-orang yang menjelaskan perihal bakteri ini dengan lebih baik. Ternyata, memang studi mengenai hal ini sedang dilakukan dengan intensif dan mendapat perlawanan keras dari Kaum Sodom ini.

Jika Anda homo dan Anda merasa tersiksa dengan kehomoan Anda, berbahagialah karena itu daya tahan tubuh Anda yang sedang berperang melawan bakteri.

Kenapa agama dikatakan bisa menyembuhkan homo?

ya, karena fitrahnya manusia selalu dekat sama Tuhan. Ketika dekat dengan Tuhan, tubuh akan menjadi tenang dan rileks. pada masa inilah metabolisme tubuh bekerja dengan baik dan bisa menghasilkan antobodi untuk membuang bakteri dan toksin-toksinnya. Apalagi kalau diri sendiri memiliki keinginan untuk berubah, mendapat dukungan keluarga dan teman-teman dekat dan memperbaiki pola hidup sehat.

Ketahuilah, Wahai Kaum Otak Biji Cabe, keberadaan kalian bukan hanya membuat resah masyarakat. Perilaku kalian tidak hanya membuat khawatir gadis-gadis single, tetapi juga kami perempuan yanmg bersuami ini. Emak-emak berdaster kudu menjaga suaminya lebih erat lagi agar tidak dikremes sama Valakor-Valakor haus kasih sayang suami orang.

Ketahuilah, Bapak-bapak... Six packs bisa dibuat di mana saja. Gak perlu ke tempat gym kalau memang niat. Olah raga berdua istri juga bisa menghasilkan perut roti sobek jika dilakukan dengan rutin dan benar.

Mamak-mamak, eratkan persatuan!

Singkirkan Hombreng dan ganyang valakor!

Catatan= 

Buat tersayank yg kemaren bilang mau nge gym awaaasss yaaa lo berangkat!!!

Ketemu tak cekek kamu!!!

Kalo mau perut kotak kotak 

Mending lo ke tukang warung aja bantuin belah kayu bakar pake ganco😂😂😂😅"

Source: https://www.facebook.com/mulyadi.muih/posts/1305411349577353

I have searched for the articles about staphylococcus aureus on the internet, but I haven't found any articles that mention if the bacterium causes homosexuality. And there is nothing to do with gym centre with this bacteria. If they wanna talk about sexually transmitted disease, the majority people with AIDS are actually housewives since their husbands like to have unsafe sex with whore outside their home. If they wanna talk about depression on gay people, it is actually caused by the discrimination they have done towards gay people.

I am also so pissed off when they always judge us as if we are only sexually-driven people. We are not perverts or creepers like them. I don't get boner to every single man I meet. I don't have dirty mind all the time like them. I know that their religion regulates the interaction between men and women, since they have assumed themselves as people with full of sexually-driven risk. I don't care if they want to degrade themselves, but don't they ever try to engage me into their assumption! 

There is a story when a female friend visited my city and she asked me the route to the tourists destinations. I gave her the directions, but as a good friend, I sincerely offered her a ride to take her and her friends there. But suddenly she didn't reply me without any explanation. I know she is woman, and I know she is married. But she is my friend and she came with her friends. There was no way for me to do immorality to her, moreover I am not sexually attracted to woman. I was so disappointed for being prejudiced as if I was about to take advantage from her.

Back again to the topic, this post is so crap and leaning towards hatred. What he wrote is just full of big bullshit, false, unreliable information and suffered from severe logical fallacies. But, they have been blinded by the hatred towards gay people. Even false news such as this becomes a reliable justification for them to hate gay people. No matter what their education level is, when they have been blinded by their religion, they just forget to use their brain to think logically.

Now, who is actually "the chili seed brain" one? And now, who has actually caused the worry and fear within the society?

P.S. Seriously, this article is just so crap as if it is just a satire article and unacceptable in so many levels. But sadly, why did some of my friends like this status and share it? I am super sad. Situations like these that at the end make me so apathetic and losing my faith to my own religion.

Typing Loudly

Sydney, 28 May 2017

Tonight I am so annoyed by my roommate. He keeps typing very very loudly. He puts all his power to his fingertips. It sounds like someone is hitting the keyboard with hammer.

Earlier before, I have complained him for talking out loud on the phone/laptop with his girlfriend after midnight. Soon after I complained, he said sorry and he does not do this again. But, he changes from talking to typing. He types so loudly like an angry person, but he actually excites.

This morning, he borrowed my charging cable for his phone. This morning, I had forgotten the problem I had with him. This morning, I wished we could be great roommates. But tonight he reminds me again how annoying he is. I just wonder how can he never be mindful to his environment.

He is fasting this Ramadan. I expect him to be a better person. He never misses his praying time. He does not drink alcohol or eat pork. But it does not make him a mindful and respectful person. Too many real life examples like this that have made me apathetic about religion.

Should I complained to him again? Or is it me that should find a way to accept it?

Discrimination is not Debatable

Sydney, 28 May 2017

I have had a very memorable discussion with a friend during the trip to Katoomba last semester. She has Gujarati descent, born in Australia, and grew up in Thailand. We discussed about the US presidential election 2016 where there were a lot of discrimination towards minorities, that the discrimination were supported by one of the candidate.

Then she said to me "it (discrimination) is not something you can bring into debate. It is not debatable. It is something that really happens.". What she was trying to say is that anyone should not argue on discrimination and injustice that happen towards some groups of people. Discrimination is just not acceptable. Thus, how can someone keep judging and blaming the discriminated people? They judge other people by using their own standards and use those standards to tell other people what is acceptable and what is not.

I was amazed by her beautiful mind. I listened to all her stories during the trip. We talked a lot, not only about the politics, but also education, cultures and many things. I wish everyone in the world could have a wisdom like she has.

What I Really Hear From People Around Me

Sydney, 28 May 2017

I often hear people say "he is being nice and kind just to cover up his homosexuality". This statement implies as if homosexuality is a crime that needs to be covered up by good attitudes. I am treating other people good because we are all human being, because what it is supposed to be in social life, and because it is the value that I bear and I believe since I was kid, the value that my parents and people always keep telling me. It does not have anything to do with someone's sexual interaction. It does not mean that homosexual must be a bad guy and heterosexual must be a good guy.

I have been always trying to be a good, nice, and kind person to the people around me. I do. But, without they realise, they have hurt me by mocking and judging homosexuals. I hear these hate comments almost every day in my life being said by my closest friends and family. They just don't know if their best friend (which is me), who has been a good friends for them, is the one that they always judge and mock. From there, I start to pile up my disappointment inside my heart.

Some even cruelly say "he got married just to cover up his homosexuality". They never know how difficult it is to be a gay in the middle of the society that does not accept homosexuality. We have been trying so hard to fit in the society, to follow the rule they have set. Nonetheless, gay is still gay, no matter how hard you try to fit in the society, or no matter how good you are to become a person. Those straight religious over-moralled people use their moral standard to self-position themselves as the best people, but they have forgotten they have used their moral standard to degrade other people.

I Have Had OCD at Least Since Seven Years Ago

Sydney, 28 May 2017

Today, I just got a reminder from Facebook about "on this day". Thus, I came to my seven-year-ago status that showing me already having OCD back then.

I remembered this moment. I restored my laptop over and over again countless times on that day since I always felt worried if the system restore didn't run properly, thus the result wouldn't be perfect and the system won't be perfectly clean and new. How ever, what I did eventually made my computer missing some important system files and I had to accept that my computer was eventually worse that before. That really made me feel so stressful.

Joseph's Birthday and Oriane's Farewell Party

Sydney, 27 May 2017

This week was Joe's birthday and Ori's last week in Sydney. This is also Joe's last semester but Ori has to go back to KCL next Monday. So they had set a plan to have a farewell party this Saturday in our college's rooftop. There is only one rule; "bring your own alcohol". So this evening, I went to a liquor shop to buy some wines.

I don't really know much about wine or beer since I don't drink quite often. But, these wines I bought are the recommended items of the shop. So I was expecting to get a good impression from them. The wine price in Australia is a lot cheaper than the wine price in Indonesia. We also have more option of wine here in Australia than what we have in Indonesia.

People in here usually have a party every weekend, but I usually don't joint them. I came today because this is my best friends' party so I don't want to miss a moment with them. Moreover this is gonna be their last semester. I am gonna be missing them after this.

I don't usually drink a lot. I usually drink once a month and it is usually only a bottle of beer. But during special occasion like this, I drink a lot. Thus, I got hangover, while my friends were just fine. I couldn't join them to the after party since my head is so dizzy. The last time I got hangover was last semester when we were desperate by the final exam.

The white wine that I bought turned out to have a strong flavour. It tastes so bitter as the taste of citrus leaf or zest. But later on it tastes so unique and nice. I keep my red wine for myself to enjoy it later. I'll tell you how it tastes.

Volleyball

Sydney, 27 May 2017

I have skipped playing volleyball for a month since I had some other things else to do. Today I didn't have any group meeting or appointment with friends so I could go and play volleyball with my college friends again.

There were not many people came as usual, but because of that, we all could play optimally without waiting for the turn to play. But there was something that always annoys me every time I play any sports  with my college fellows. Some of them are too dominant and become selfish.

Just like we had today during volleyball, the two of them were so overacting as if they could cover all the positions by themselves. I know that I am not as good as them, but it does not mean that I need to be covered by them. I need to practice and learn. And also, it was just a game, not a competition.

They took my position as if I wasn't there. I was so pissed off. As a result, they couldn't do everything by themselves. It is a teamwork, they should trust other members. I am not as good as them, but at least I can play properly and contribute to my team. But what they did actually ruined our team.

It happened not only in our volleyball. When I played badminton, they also did the same thing. They don't like to play with someone who has lower skill than them. Then, how can I improve my skill?

I love playing volleyball and badminton, but it does not mean I am really good at those sports. I can play good but not good enough to be really that good. However, when I play with friends who just start learning those sports, I will be someone who fosters their skill instead of showing off my own skill.

How Dangerous are Hoaxes?

Sydney, 27 May 2017

Have you ever wondered why hoaxes are easily spread out among religious communities? The Farkhunda case in Afghanistan has been the evidence of how dangerous and how easy the hoaxes spread out in the form of religious sentiments.

While in Indonesia, the ease of access to internet has been abused to spread the hoaxes in the form of religious sentiments. Closed-minded people only favour the news that confirm their delusion. Thus, the hoaxes are perceived as facts.

Why are they easily persuaded by false news? They are not allowed to and they are not used to critically question anything about their belief. Thus anything that comes and aligns with their belief is automatically considered as a truth. It is a confirmation bias. It amplifies and provokes them easily. It is so dangerous that hoaxes become enough justifications to kill people and to make destruction.  

How Dangerous is Intolerance?

Sydney, 27 May 2017

People are cursing the terrorism and suicide bombing that just happened in Manchester UK, Marawi Philippines, and Jakarta Indonesia. They say terrorists are not Muslims, terrorism is not Islam.

I know that terrorism is the ultimate manifestation of intolerance. They don't tolerate anyone else who has different belief with them. They want the world to follow what they believe, otherwise they will kill the dissidents. Doesn't it sound familiar?

What happened in the middle of Indonesian Muslims is something towards to this radicalism. While most of Indonesian Muslims are cursing the terrorists, they are still doing some intolerances. Let's list the evidences:

1. They judged other Muslims who don't agree with them to choose Muslim leaders only during last Jakarta governor election.
2. They caned gay couples in Aceh province.
3. They support public shaming towards gay people after some raid cases by police.
4. They destroyed food stalls that open during Ramadan.
5. They forbid other Muslims to celebrate Valentine's day, New Year, or to send some Christmas wishes.
6. They use their own perspective to legitimate their intolerance.
7. And so many more.

Now, can you see the similarities between intolerance done by terrorists and intolerance done by some Indonesian radical Muslims? Intolerance begins with small things like judgments towards different groups, but later on it takes away all our rights in life just like what terrorists did. Now, if they curse terrorism, should I give them a mirror to see what they have actually done?

I prefer to live in liberal, secular communities. I find them are more respectful towards others and more appreciating other people's life.

My Childhood's Ramadan

Sydney, 26 May 2017

Tomorrow will be the first fasting day for Muslim in this year Ramadan. Tonight they suppose to have tarawih. Then I remembered my tarawih moment when I was a kid. 

As primary school students in Indonesia, we were given a task by our teachers to fill in the tarawih attendance book. The book must be signed by the imam of the tarawih. And also, we were required to summarise the sermon, which is usually held after tarawih. Or else, we were required to summarise morning lecture (Islamic talk show) on TV after we had suhur (pre-dawn meal). Ramadan was super sleepy and tiring time.

There is one unforgettable moment during my tarawih. I kept losing my sandals that I used to go to mosque. Even my sandals were ugly cheap sandals, the must be thieves that took my sandals or replaced my sandals with the other ones. Until one day, I brought a bike lock to secure my sandals. I hated when people then judged me if I was too over-securing my worthless sandals.

When I grew up, and Indonesia had entered the reformation era, freedom was such an euphoria for many people. Thus, the freedom was mistakenly abused by radical Muslim movements, such as FPI, to oppress other Muslims (includes non-Muslims) who don't do the fasting. They raided and destroyed food stalls and cafes that opened during fasting time. They said, it didn't respect people who were fasting. But by doing the raid and destruction, they forgot if they had not respected other people who were not fasting. Isn't it the level of people who were fasting and who were not, actually equal? Either one, they both deserve to be respected. So why did they push their belief to others that were not fasting?

Hymer Van 314

Sydney, 26 May 2017

I have been thinking of the idea of motorhomes since I was a kid. I remember, when I was 4 years old, we had a magazine with a picture of a house on wheels. When I started to like drawing house plans, I sometimes drew a tree house plan, a cave house plan, or a camper van plan. The idea is to live remotely and unify with nature.

After having research for some times, I finally found the nearly perfect camper van, that is Hymer Van 314. You can check the video out:

Well, this is actually not the most ideal camper van that I really want. Here are some pros (+) and cons (-) merely based on my preference:

(+) compact and small, easy to maneuver on small roads.

(+) complete facilities, such as fridge, toilet and shower, sunroof and solar panel (additional)

(+) the positioning of furnitures are perfect.

(+) fit for two people (and perhaps with a dog)

(-) not a uni-body, ugly look.

(-) Garage is too big and probably less useful (it is better to minimise the size of the van, or use the garage for other purposes such as more water tank and gas supply)

Nonetheless, I think this model is the best among others. I dream to live in US or Europe and travel around the continent with someone that I love, driving and living in this van. What a life.

Update:
So I just found that Hymer had previously released the predecessors of 314, which are 312 and 322. I found that those predecessors have integrated body so it conceals the look of motorhome. They just look like ordinary vans, which is very nice and sleek. Just take a look:

Is It Just Me That Less Tolerant To Other People?

Sydney, 26 May 2017

So, last night when I saw my roommate just left his table lamp position unfixed (which shines to my bed), when he went outside our room, I just went to his table and bent down his table lamp so it is no longer projecting to my direction anymore. When he came back to our room, he seemed unaware about that. I didn't mean to be sassy, but it annoyed me.

Another thing that keeps annoying me until now is the way he types on his laptop. It is so loud, as if he types on a typewriter with the speed of 1000 words per minute. Come on, please, be mindful. Should I say everything what to do and what not to do? Or, is it just me that less tolerant to other people?

Charging my Galaxy S8's Battery

Sydney, 26 May 2017

I am pretty sure now I am positively suffering from OCD. It has been a month since I got my Galaxy S8. And every single time I charge the battery, I will do at least five times of system refreshment (run the device maintenance, turn it off and on again) after the battery is 100% fully charged (and keep the phone connected to the charger when I am doing the system refreshment). I just want to make sure if my phone is in its perfectly cleanest system before it is ready to use again. Even, when I mistype a single digit of my PIN to unlock the phone during this process, it makes me worried that it causes imperfection to my phone's system. Thus, I will repeat the process again (and again) from the beginning. This can takes hours.

But doing this process while the phone is being connected to the charger makes me worried if I am actually abusing my phone's battery. I am afraid that it actually overcharges the battery and causes bad impacts to the phone's machine. But if I disconnect the charger when I am doing system cleaning, the battery will not keep on its optimum level, thus the purpose of charging the battery is violated.

Adam and Creationism

Sydney, 25 May 2917

I remember when I was in High School I often asked something about religion which contradicts with the knowledge that being taught in the class. For instance, I asked if Adam is the first human on earth, why we have human fossils older than the story of Adam itself. I also ask why we still learned the theory of evolution if our religion says it is creationism. No one could really satisfyingly answer my questions.

The first modern humans (our species, homo sapiens) were flourishing at Africa about 200,000 years ago. While, based on the prophets' family tree, Adam lived in around 3700-2800 BC. And also, it is known that existing human species are also part of the evolution from earlier species.

And it is also being said that Adam's height reaches 30 metres. If Adam has the very similar morphology with modern human, it is impossible for his skeletons to support his enormous weight in that gigantic body, unless he has big thigh bones and big back bones like Brontosaurs or T-Rex have. It is also being told that Adam lived up to 900 years old. However, it is known that we just get our longest life expectancy in this century. Ancient people were expected to have life expectancy only up to 30 years old only due to poor life quality.

The Abrahamic religions only tell the stories that took place in the Middle East. Meanwhile, earth is much larger than that. Why don't they tell about my country, or tell about antarctic with its cute penguins, or tell about the history of dinosaurs. Do they know what lies underground and what exists in the other part of the earth? 

I am in My Junior High School Alma Mater Magazine

Sydney, 24 May 2017

This afternoon, I got a message from a friend and she sent this to me:

That is me in a school magazine. Couple months ago, a student from my Junior High School alma mater contacted me. She wanted to interview me as the profile of school alumni. And here it is I am now in my Junior High School magazine's alumni profile page.

People may see me as a perfect person, a successful person who has great achievements, great education, and great career. People also know me as a smart, humble, innocent and good boy (I don't make up these statements but people often directly compliment me by saying these words). But they don't know there is something I hide inside me.

I hide anger and grudge as my disappointment for being judged and mocked to be gay. They don't know if I am a gay (or probably they know? but I didn't come out to public). I struggled to be fit in the society, I heard countless hate speech towards LGBT in the name of religion, I saw hypocrisy on those religious people who judge LGBT, but I faked the smile in front of them.

Since homosexuality is still considered as a huge sin by most of Indonesians, I know that my credibility will be gone instantaneously if they know that I am a gay. All my dedication as a good, diligent, and obedient boy will be worthless. I'll be labelled as scumbag that deserves a public shaming or even a death penalty.

I don't know why I am gay, and I don't see why they blame me. I feel so sick and hate to those hypocrites, those who don't do any better but think that they were the rightest person on earth that deserves to judge people like me. I hide this dark side from society, and I live with double personalities.

This conflict inside me makes me stay away from the society. I prefer to be alone.

The Ladies That Have Come and Gone in My Life

Sydney, 24 May 2017

Hi, today I want to share my story about the women who have come and gone in my life until I decided to stop finding them after I turned 30.

As you may know, I have tried relentlessly to love woman and wished that I can "cure" my homosexuality. But, instead of getting "cured", I was haunted by the guilty feeling by lying my love to myself and to my women, and depressed by the hate speech said by those hypocrites. Thus, when I turned 30, I promised to myself to be happy for who I really am and not to live someone else's life.

I hit my puberty when I was in second year of Junior Highs School. But I guess I started to have a sexual attraction (in my case: to same gender) when I was in third year of Junior High School or First Year of Senior High School. It is a pretty late age to hit puberty tho.

I really remember my first crush in my Senior High School. I didn't know his name, but I often met him in school's praying room. I didn't have any bravery to make approach to him at all. I knew that it was abnormal. Moreover, many of my male friends started to date with their girlfriend. It pressurise me who had no girl to date (or correctly saying: who was not attracted to girl). 

Then, in the next year, I made a move by dating a girl, her initial is SN. She was my friend in tutorial lesson when we were in Junior High School. I forgot how it started, but I guess I texted her first and the communication continued until I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. She wasn't pretty girl (since I didn't have any clue about the definition of "pretty" girl in straights' perspective) but she was smart and independent girl, and that made me interested to her personality not sexuality.

We went to movie only once. I went to her house couple of times. We didn't talk much. For me, it didn't go naturally. I couldn't find the chemistry between us. My love was artificial. When I moved to Jakarta for my college, she said to me "You'd better to find another girl". That was the time that I knew she left me. She didn't reply my messages. She didn't answer my calling. I was so sad at that time. I felt so guilty to her and I couldn't forgive myself. I have lied her. I gave her a fake love. I only used her for my purpose to be a straight man without her consent. It didn't work. It made me feeling so guilty and depressed.

Meanwhile, I had a very close female friend in Senior High School, her initial is D. Our homes were very close to each other, thus I was very often visiting her house. Her family was so kind to me, and her mother always said to me "I entrust D to you". Years had gone by, and even after we graduated from high school and we lived in different city for our colleges, me and D still got along really well. She was fairly pretty, very smart, and has a very nice personality.

A lot of people said to me "you should be with her". To be honest, I was thinking the same way too. But the one big problem for me is her family is strongly religious Muslims. Meanwhile, I had lost my belief to Islam. I didn't have a heart to spoil her with my rebellion. It is not to mention that I didn't have any sexual attraction to a woman. I just didn't want to mess her life. However, I felt so sad when she got married. I should have had her to be my wife if only I were not a homosexual and not a non-believer, since she was perfect.

The next woman I had in my life has initial M. We went to the same college but I didn't know her at all. I haven't met her as well (even up to now!). When I worked in Ponorogo, she approached me first. I think she knew me from my Friendster. She was also the one who told me to create a Facebook account in 2009. She texted and called me everyday. I was cautious yet I was hoping for a relationship with a woman. My boyfriend at that time supported me to have a relationship with her.

Shortly, in early 2011, I moved back to Jakarta for another undergrad degree. Another motivation to move to Jakarta was to get close to her (M). I just wanted to make a move for our relationship into serious one. But as I came to Jakarta, she suddenly didn't reply my messages nor did she answer my calls without any reasons. I felt so dumped and played.

At the end of my second college life, my lecturer wanted to introduce her daughter to me. At first, I was apathetic. But later on, I found that she was so attractive. She was a pretty girl. Her initial is E or she prefers me to call her V. We made communications really well. However, her mother said to me that she had been deceived by her ex. So it made me so careful in making further steps, since I was afraid to hurt her.

However, my carefulness was meant differently by her. She thought I was not serious enough. So she told me that she had already had another boyfriend again. I was super sad and disappointed. That was the moment that I thought I finally found my true love.

I moved to Malang for work. During this time, I made approach to a girl that I met in my last college, her initial is NK. We communicated really very well. After couple months of having good communication, I decided to visit her just to clarify our further relationship. We both agreed to take a-week-off to have holiday together in Jakarta and Bogor.

However, I couldn't get any sexual attraction to her when I was beside her. It was unlike the feeling when I am with my boyfriend. Again, my holiday became a nightmare for me since I felt bad to fake the feeling. It was not natural. It reminded me with my first relationship with SN. Later, she told me that she didn't want to have any romance relationship yet. It was such a relief for me, at least for a while.

Come back again to the story of V, she contacted me again after a year or so. She told me if she was cheated again by her boyfriend. I also knew that she was in treatment for her mental illness. I still kept my feeling to her. When she asked me to accompany her in psychiatric hospital, I just bought a flight ticket at that day without further ado. But later on, her mother called me, cried, and asked me not to go. It was a very complex problem that she had, and she told me almost all of her story. So I knew what happened to her.

So, after she got better, she told me that she was going to visit me in Malang. I was more than happy to hear that. However, despite my feeling to her, still I didn't get any sexual attraction when I was holding her hands or when I hug her. I was so sad. I was so afraid what if we really marry and she finds me that I am gay and I cannot have sex with her since my penis is malfunctioning to woman. Wouldn't it hurt her even more?

At that moment also, she told me that she was actually having a new boyfriend (that later becomes her husband). I actually knew it but I just didn't want to talk about it. Then I asked her what she searched in me, since I felt that I was used (p.s. -emotionally, not -materially) by her (p.s. I was wrong. She never meant to use me in any ways). She said she regarded me as her brother. That sentence was enough for me to clarify our relationship. Despite my disappointment, I was so happy for her that she finally found a man who can take care of her.

Years passed by and I got older. Pressure from the society escalated when they kept asking whether I wasn't married or I didn't have any girlfriend. Some of them even mocked me if I am a gay (well that was actually true but I just didn't show it up). When I moved to Jember, I met an office mate that I found her a sweet one. Her initial is L. I thought she liked me, since she gave chances to me to approach her. But later on I found that she had a relationship with another guy in office. That was a disappointment for me.

During my last days in Jember before I leave for Sydney, my houselord introduced me to her niece. Her initial is F. She was calm and quiet, and innocent. She was also fairly pretty with long hair. We met twice and she was really nice and respectful. But later on, I decided to end the chance to our further relationship since I had been tired already with such relationship. I had no sexual attraction to woman no matter how hard I tried. I just didn't want to hurt any heart anymore. I knew that F really liked me, but I guessed it is better to end the possibility of relationship at the beginning rather than to give her a false hope at the end.

Those are seven women that I have approached, not to mention some other women that have tried to approach me (but I didn't really respond them for various reasons). I have tried in so many ways to be sexually attracted to woman including by dating them, but none has worked. I have tried for about 15 years already and I feel enough to fake myself and to hurt many hearts.

My feeling to women is different with my feeling to men. I like women, I adore their beauty, I feel comfortable beside her, but it is only the feeling of love as a bestfriend. There is no chemistry of love. Meanwhile my feeling to men involves anxiety, nervousness, a faster heartbeat, happiness, missing, craziness, infatuation, possession, jelousy, desire, and everything that comes naturally when someone is falling in love. These kind of feelings that I couldn't find in women.

What makes it even distinctive is that I couldn't find any sexual desire to women at all no matter how pretty and how sexy they are and no matter how hard I try. My penis can never be aroused even if it is being touched by a sexy lady. Meanwhile, I have a sexual desire that comes naturally when I find a man is attractive for me. I never try to make up this condition. I never understand why I am like this. It was just like this when the first time I had my puberty.

So, anyone who does not struggle with such life, who are sexually attracted to opposite sex that comes naturally, shall be grateful. You shouldn't disgrace people like us.

P.S. Whether it is a coincidence or not, but all those women I told here are all the first child of their parents. There is a believe in Javanese tradition if the third child (which is me) cannot marry the first child, otherwise something bad will happen to them. I don't really care about that myth tho. Maybe because I was taken care by my elder sister when I was kid, that's why I find comfortness in mature and caring women.

Intolerance in Indonesia

Sydney, 23 May 2017

Last night, I posted a Facebook status saying "In Australia, you can find communist party to hizbut tahrir. People here fully support freedom of speech and equality. So, don't you ever think to be intolerant". I posted that status as the response of the news about an Indonesian restaurant in Sydney named "Willis Canteen". The owner was believed to be intolerant by posting a hate speech towards other group of religion on his Facebook account, in regard of the post political situation of Jakarta's governor election. As a result, the restaurant was rated very poor by people, their turnover dropped within days and nearly bankrupt now.

In Australia, and in most of other developed countries, the government does not really tell or regulate what kind of organisation or religion can exist and operate. Everyone can do anything they believe it is right for them as long as it does not harm other people. This is the way how they respect each other.

Meanwhile in Indonesia, democracy they have is a flaw democracy. Constitution guarantees the freedom of speech, to be gathered in a group, and to have a religion. But some people in Indonesia are not happy if they see some other groups have different perspective. They become so intolerant and attack those other groups.

For example, some Muslims are not happy to see other Muslims who have different maddhab (sect), such as Shia and Ahmaddiya. They say Shia and Ahmaddiya are not Islam, thus they cannot use the name of Islam. They feel if Shia and Ahmaddiya threaten and spoil the Indonesian Muslims' faith. They want to keep one true Islam in Indonesia.

But who can legitimate if their religion is the truest one among other religions? When some Indonesian Sunnis can claim their Islam is the truest one, then why can't the other maddhabs claim the same thing? Isn't it so selfish and unfair? Religion and belief is very personal business and nobody can tell you whether it is right or wrong.

Moreover, among Indonesian Muslim themselves, some groups are attacking other groups because they have different interpretations in practicing their religion, for example some extremists from HTI and FPI are not happy with moderate (or even liberal) Muslims. They become so radical in being moral police to other Muslim fellows (or even to non-Muslims). This is what I call intolerance. We don't really have the freedom after all. It is not even to mention how those intolerant groups disrespect other minorities such as Christians and LGBT communities just because they have different belief and values in life.

I really don't care whether they worship Allah, Jesus, or even if they worship a dog, a cat, or a goldfish, as long as they don't legitimate their belief to attack and kill other people. What happen now is that some Indonesian Muslims use their belief to legitimate their "intolerance" to discriminate other groups. However, they don't feel if they have been so intolerant towards other since they think they do nothing wrong by following what their religion says. This is actually the problem when people become so selfish and do not see from other people's perspective.

Of course, some other groups who have been discriminated respond and fight back. But this retaliation is regarded by Muslims as a means to discriminate and destroy Islam. Isn't it called a playing victim game?

I believe that the number of intolerant Muslims in Indonesia is insignificant. However, they gain their power by creating a fear within Islam. Many Indonesian Muslims are afraid to be labelled as sinner, infidel, or apostate. They are afraid of being judged, or being rejected by their group if they have different perspective. They have been indoctrinated not to ask anything, nor to critically think about their religion, a.k.a just believe it or leave it.

While, the other open minded Muslims and non-Muslims are usually busy with their own personal businesses. They fully support the freedom of speech and respect other people until they don't care and don't see what is coming with other people. And everything has been very late when the intolerant Muslims have controlled the rest of the people.

Gay Sauna Party

Sydney, 22 May 2017

Today I just read a news that police has arrested hundreds of gay who had a sauna party in Jakarta. This is a little bit disappointing news since it brings a bad image of gay people to the society and it is used by intolerant extremists to justify their action to attack gay people.

Arguably, some of gay's life are dirty and superficial. They live their life just for fun, money, and sex. My ex said to me that I will never find a true love in gay people since they only care about money and lust. 

I realise that unhealthy gay's life exists because of the desperation of gay people. They realise that there is no way for them to have public acceptance for their relationship as what heterosexuals have. Religion is never allowing them to exist, yet gay people do always exist in nature no matter how religion tries to suppress them. At the end, some gay find there is no future for their love life, thus their despair makes them run into a free life.

Finding a whole lifetime partner in gay's life is so challenging since most of them are discreet, and when they have found one, they can become so possessive. After all, the depression, rejection, loneliness, and possession sometimes make them psychopathic. This also brings a very bad image to gay's life.

The other ones (who can work on their lust to women, probably they are more bisexuals than pure homosexuals) choose to get married to a woman. They may fake their feeling just to fit in the society and religion. However, in some cases, they couldn't lie to their hearts, and end up with cheating with other man, and divorce their wife. They don't have a happy life and they break their family. This one also brings a negative image to homosexuality.

But, homosexuals are also human being. Those are only stereotypes echoing within the society. There are still a lot of homosexuals who have done good things for their society. There are a lot of homosexuals who live, work and socialise normally as heterosexuals. People just overlook them since they are just like them, nothing is different, right?

Life is an option but sexual orientation is not. People may become a good person or a bad person regardless their sexual orientation. Gay life scandals always attract public attention since homosexuality is not something widely accepted in the middle of society. In fact, the same scandalous behaviours also happen amongst heterosexuals in even much larger number. People just hate homosexual because their religion tell them to do so, thus for them, homosexual means crime. They blame the homosexuality, not the scandalous behaviour.

To me personally, I still believe that the true love among homosexuals does still exist. Our love is more than just a lust, unlike Muslims that promotes polygamy, women oppression, and sex slavery in the name of their religion. Yet, Muslims always think that they have a right to kill us since they believe we bring a curse and cause the god's anger.

At the end, it is actually the religion that has caused the gay's life worsening. Religion has suppressed gay's right yet they punish us for the disorderliness caused by the suppression. They keep denying that we shouldn't exist, but the truth is we do exist. In the other hand, they don't do self-reflection for the hypocrisies the have made.

And do you think that there is no prostitution among straight, Muslim society? Think again! And do you think that gay's life is only about sex and lust and prostitution? You should think again. We are not goats that cannot control our brain and libido.

Well, I am not a free-sex or an open relationship kind of person, but I don't care at all with what other people do or believe, as long as they don't do harm to others. What I do really mind is when some people claim themselves as the rightest ones and that makes them into gods who can judge and punish other people merely based on their belief. The matter is how you mind your own business and respect others.

My dream is to be happy as who I really am and I still believe in love. I dream to have someone to love and spend the rest of my life with him.

P.S. Seriously, I often think that Islam always pushes other people to follow what they believe, otherwise they will make war to them. They always feel intimidated by other people's religion, statues, gods, beliefs, values in life, and anything that they think it's gonna harm their faith. It is so funny yet it does not make any sense at all to me. When you fail because you didn't function really well, why then you blame others?

What If We Were Born and Raised by a Non-Muslim Family?

Sydney, 21 May 2017

Responding to the case of Afi Nihaya Faradisa' status on her Facebook and answered by Gilang Kazuya Shimura, a very very long time ago, I also asked the very same question "If only we were not born and raised by a Muslim family, would we be still Muslims now?".

At that time, my question was also replied with the very same hadith "We were all originally born as Muslims, but our parents have made us to be Jews, Christians, or Zoroastrians".

To me, this answer is only a self-proclaiming, a logical falacy (they say it is right because their religion is right), and actually not answering the question. I guess they don't dare to give a freedom of critical thinking. Their mind is still chained under the control of their religion, so they are afraid to see from outer perspective. They are afraid to admit the truth and to lose their belief. They prefer to live in denial forever and ever.

P.S. I guess Afi has already known the hadith that Gilang told her (when she says in her status "since I was kid, I was told that Islam is the rightest religion..."). It is actually Gilang that has not been reaching the logic of what Afi says.

Update: Today, I just read a post on Facebook about a response to Gilang's writing, and this response is very similar to what I have written in here last night. You may check it out in http://candrawiguna.com/menanggapi-tulisan-gilang-kazuya-shimura/

Indomie Mie Goreng Burger

Sydney, 20 May 2017

I heard a news from BuzzFeed Australia's Facebook account that there is a restaurant in Sydney named "Guilty" serves an Indomie mie goreng burger. This news even spreads out to Indonesia, that my crush sent me a screenshot of this info to me.

So, this weekend, I decided to walk down to Guilty to give it a try during my lunch. The place is not that far from my college. It is only about 5 km away. The late autumn sunshine was gentle and the breeze was cold. The trees were colourful and the pavements were covered by falling leaves. Autumn is definitely my favourite season ever!

The restaurant was unexpectedly small and it was not many people came at the time I went there. I could see that people were going there to order the raising star Indomie mie goreng burger (or they actually call it sandwich instead of burger). It took around 15-20 minutes for my order to come, a quite long time. Probably because they needed more time to prepare this special menu.

It is a little bit pricey, $12 for a small burger. The mie goreng was also a little (I thought it would be a whole pack of noodle but it was apparently not). The taste was good and quite unique. The texture was cruncy from the fried mie goreng, blended with sourness from carrot and cucumber pickles. The sauce was also very good. 

@luqmanabubakar

Sydney, 20 May 2017

Lately, my friends often shared some funny videos on Facebook. The videos are Disney's Princesses Cartoon Movies dubbed in Malay-English. What makes them even funnier for me is that the scripts are totally altered into a Malaysian Muslim background. And the result is super hilarious. 

Then I traced the owner of the videos and his name is Luqman Abu Bakar. He posted his videos on his Instagram @luqmanabubakar . From there, I visited his IG account and I found more funny videos and his personality.

I will not be able to tell if he can be so funny if I only see his appearance. He is kind of cool guy and good looking. However, he is super hilarious and funny, and very confident in making funny videos and jokes. I cannot tell his background, sexual orientation, nor his religion. But from his videos, he likes to pretend as a hilarious girl, a sexy drag queen, or a sissy boy. He also loves to create a story based on Muslim family and how to make it fun. You'd better to check them out by yourself.

My point is, if he is at the same state with me, he has done very wise things in life. I really like how he brings the issues of gender and religion into a funny and entertaining way. He enjoys every problem he may have in his life. He seems not to care about what people may say about him, which at the end, makes him loved by many people. 

I do really want to have a such personality like him: easy going, cheerful, and indifferent. Meanwhile, I am here only drowned into my own sorrow, vengeful, and hateful. I am so selfish by caring at my own interest only, and worried about the validations given by other people towards me.

Windows 10 Creators Update

Sydney, 19 May 2017

Last night, I got an update for my Windows 10. It is Windows 10 Creators update, with update version number 1703. The update took approximately 20 minutes with several restarts during the update.

The first thing I noticed after the update is I couldn't connect my Cortana to internet. Later, I found that my google drive app didn't sync with the cloud storage. Lastly, I couldn't connect to several websites, including Yahoo! mail, Facebook, and even Microsoft.com.

I thought the problem was the WiFi. However, some websites such as Google search engine and YouTube were not affected by the update. I can stream YouTube videos in HD quality seamlessly.

Because I need my Yahoo mail, Facebook, and Google Drive to work back, so I just rolled back the update. And amazingly, the problems I just had suddenly disappear. It is so strange why Microsoft deploys an update that eventually brings a problem.

Group Work

Sydney, 19 May 2017

The is one group assignment left that I think it is very challenging for me. the challenge does not come from how difficult the topic is, but it comes from how we work together as a team. The topic is actually pretty simple. It only requires us to prepare 500-word executive summary and 10-minute presentation. this task can actually be finished by one person only. But, since there are to many people in a group (5 to 6 people), we come in a very difficult situation.

My team consists of 5 brilliant people. I know their performance in the class and they are pretty diligent and assertive. but because of that, we hardly agree on something. To much idea and too much ego are involved. At the end, I have to giving up my idea and just follow their ideas in order to make it works smoothly. 

Hate Comments towards Homosexuals

Sydney, 19 May 2017

This morning before I went to the class, I came across to a news on the Facebook about a gay couple got punished in Aceh province. What makes me really sad is majority of the comments on that news are blaming homosexuals. They say we are sinners, contagious disease, dirty, lower than animals, and deserved to die in the most brutal way.

If only they know how it feels to be a homosexual, how hard it is to suit yourself in order to be accepted by the society, and how painful it is to hide disappointment over the hypocrisy. No one in this world chooses his sexual orientation. Straights are supposed to be feeling grateful to be considered as "normal". They do not need to think or learn how to erect their penises in front of women. All comes naturally. And so does homosexuality. This is something that they will never understand since they will never be us.

Too bad, their hate speech is spoken in the name of their religion and their god. While, their religion is full of hypocrisy, they can never see it. They keep denying. I am so sick of it, and this situation makes me even more depressed.

How Your Desk Lamp Respects Others

Sydney, 18 May 2017

Seriously, even after I complained to him for staying loudly after midnight, and no matter how much I hate his attitude, I still respect him, such as: "I bend my desk lamp into a very low position so the light will not disturb him while he is sleeping".

Meanwhile he projects his desk lamp up high as if there is no difference between the light from the lamp on the ceiling and the light from the desk lamp. And the light from his desk lamp just goes straight to my bed. Oh c'mon... I couldn't say anything.

Left: my desk lamp, right: his desk lamp.

Making a Friend

Sydney, 17 May 2017

I don't have a really close friend. I admit that I always make a distance to them. I am afraid that if I am too close to them, it eventually makes me hate them for their bad habits that I don't like. Generally, some of my good friends are those who I do not really close by. So, even though we are good friends, mostly I don't really know what really happens to them, or I don't really care to what they do.

I cannot always make a good friend to everyone. I always have some people that were friends at the beginning but turned to be people that I really really hate at the end, in every place where I live. They were my close friends, so close that some of their behaviours slowly start to annoy me, such as judging, mocking, interfering my personal space, or being hypocrites. I usually conceal my anger, keep it by myself, keep being nice in front of them until I couldn't bear it anymore. Then, I suddenly turned into totally different person that they never expected in me. They thought I am only a nice, quiet, always smiling and helpful guy that can never get angry. Some of them even underestimated me by saying "I don't believe if you can get angry, I really want to see your face when angry". As a result, they have gotten my unforgivable anger until now.

It always happens to me like once a year. I am sad to have this situation. I don't wanna lose any more friends. So that's why I prefer to make a distance with people. Sometimes it makes me think if the problem is me, not them. Sometimes I feel that I am the rightest one. Sometimes I feel that I have done everything nice to them but they deceived me by judging and mocking me. I am questioning whether it is just me who cannot make a good friend with others. That makes me rethink about my attitude towards my society. Then, I pull myself from social life for some times to contemplate everything.

However it never happens to my ex boyfriends. We were so close that I could tell almost anything to them. I don't mind if they say or judge me straightforwardly. Or is it because I am open to them to express my feeling and feeling free to reply their words? I didn't keep hatred or anger towards them. I am honest to express my feeling. I didn't hesitate to say anything to them. Or is it because they were my medium to ease my depression? In their shoulder I lean on my weary when the people keep judging us. Separation was the saddest thing but we broke up in respectful manner.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Sydney, 17 May 2017

OCD or "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", those were the words I found when I scrolled down my Facebook newsfeed this evening. Then I googled some information about it. I thought I am suffering from anxiety disorder, but what I read from OCD mostly explains what I feel.

Since the last time I got my new phone, I am always worried if I am not taking care my new phone carefully and eventually significantly impairing its quality and durability. I ALWAYS do the same steps before I charge my phone: 1) clean the recent apps history, 2) run device maintenance, 3) check apps' battery usage, 4) check performance mode, 5) clean storage for unnecessary files, 6) clean RAM, 7) clean the recent apps history again, then 8) turn it off.

And even I have a procedure in charging the phone: 1) the phone must be turned off during charging, 2) turn on the phone only after several minutes it is fully charged, turn it on while the phone is still connected to cable charger, 3) turn it on until the phone is fully ready (after it loads everything), 4) unlock the phone, 5) let the screen dims, 6) unplug charger from power outlet (not unplug charger cable from the phone! since I believe there must be remaining electricity stored in charger capacitor, thus unplugging the charger from power outlet will 100% drain remaining electricity on the charger and fully absorbed by phone's battery), 7) rest the phone for quite a while before it is ready to use.

If I miss even a single step of the procedure, I will definitely feel not right and uneasy about my phone, and I will definitely repeat the step from the beginning, not only once, but twice or three to five times until I feel calm down and secure. If some worrying things happen, I will definitely cannot sleep and be haunted by the condition of my phone, such as when a dirt get in to mic couple weeks ago, or when I connected my S8 with my old Note 3 via cable data yesterday but it froze all the time. Or I always recheck and recheck again and again if the phone setting is in my preference, and when the setting suddenly changes without my acknowledgement, it stresses me out just to find out why it suddenly changes. Even, I didn't not let a single dirt stays in my phone surface when I clean it before I put it into its case. I examined it really really carefully. I prefer to skip other activities and classes just to make sure if my phone is just fine.

I am so tired of my anxiety and worrying, But I cannot think straight when those disorderliness just happen. Some of the cases, when I cannot assure myself that everything will be okay, I end up with destroying the things that haunt my mind. What I do with my phone is just one example in my life, but I have a lot of similar pattern in almost any activities in my life. I am obsessed with orderliness and perfection. My perfection is driven by over-anxiety and over-worrying that quite often results in redoing and rechecking my works again and again just to make sure whether or not I have done it correctly.

Recently in some of my classes, I did some mistakes when I answered some questions from my teachers. I instantly blamed my self for having done stupid things and kept saying "I hate myself" and "I shouldn't answer the question" repeatedly, and discouraged myself to get involved to any class activities anymore. Now I remember who I used to be when I was young. I was a very quiet boy, dragged myself from social life, since I was discouraged for being wrong in the society. I overthink about almost everything. I am worried about almost everything. I blamed unfairness in my life, but I kept it by myself. I am irritated by disorderliness. And this is what I am now.

So I took an OCD test on the website, here is the link https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocdquiz.htm and here is my result: