Surabaya, 25 September 2022
Today, I was thinking that all of our thoughts in our brain are just products of chemical reactions inside our brain. And those thoughts can be manipulated by certain medicines.
For example, I have consumed aripiprazole for three years and it does help my mood in control. What I feel is that as if there is something that holds my mood flat. I also feel that my brain is not as active as usual like I am no longer having random thoughts that changing rapidly in my brain. I feel that I am now thinking slowly and become dumb (or in Indonesian term it's called "lemot").
However, skipping to consume aripiprazole is very dangerous to me and can be lethal. I have skipped consuming this drug for a certain of time twice and those result in bad situations. The first time I skipped aripiprazole and sertraline HCL all together is when I was accidentally throwing those pills into trash can and lost them, and it results in a situation that I became sensitive, irritated, and depressed at the same time. And the second time I skipped aripiprazole is when the dosage was already small (2,5 mg a day) and I thought stop consuming it for couple days won't be a problem, but I was wrong. I became manic for couple weeks but all of the sudden I flipped into a deep depression that I really wanted to die. I attempted to kill myself and what I believed at that time death is the right way for me, that nobody can convince me that my life is precious. What has changed my thought and help me thinking straight is aripiprazole. The dosage was increased to 10 mg a day. I was hospitalised for a week and I was surprised how drugs can change the way I am thinking.
I complained to my doctor that the side effect of aripiprazole makes me thinking slowly, and the doctor then prescribed me a drug called trihexyphenidyl to lift my mood up, but he said he will see how it will affect me whether or not I'll become sensitive again. But after three months passed by, I didn't realise that I became manic again, like I spent all of my savings to people that I didn't even know them well, I became impulsive, and I dare to express my feelings straightforwardly and I didn't care about the consequences.
My mood became unstable, so the doctor prescribed another drug called divalproex sodium (or mostly know as Depakote) as a mood stabiliser.
I was super amazed how drugs can affect the way I think. I thank all scientists, and I am thankful to science and technology. I posted this gratitude on my Instagram story.
However, a friend of mine commented and corrected my post on my Instagram story. She said I also need to express my gratitude to the GOD that has given minds/intelligence to humans. She continued that because of the GOD, scientists can invent drugs to help people with mental health issues like me. I didn't reply her comments. Does it also mean I should thank god for giving me mental illness? I was thinking it is a contradictory that why god creates illnesses but he also creates the cures through scientists. Why doesn't he just erase the illness at the first place? Many people with mental illness don't have access to the medications and end up die miserably. Should I thank god for that situation as well?
