What's Wrong with Me? (2)

Sydney, 30 April 2017

I was thinking to install some games on my Galaxy S8 but I was reluctant since I am afraid if the games will cause my phone works slower and capacity loss on its battery. I like to play games either on consoles or on the phones. But sometimes, instead of refreshment, games can trigger my emotion. When I am stuck in a difficult level and it is nearly impossible to accomplish the mission, I start to feel that the game is unfair and my emotion escalates quickly. I lose my patience, lose control of my sanity and I end up with smashing my phone to the floor or to the wall. Then, I regret what I've just done.

My friend said to me if playing the game should be fun. He said I shouldn't be impatient to finish the mission on the game as soon as possible. Probably, that's my main problem. I couldn't face the unfairness (even it is only an "unfair" level of a game) for too long and I just want to get rid of it right away no matter what. Someone please save me. My soul is full of anger, hatred and disappointment. I need a love and hugs to calm me down.

What's Wrong with Me?

Sydney, 28 April 2017

When I was playing with my Galaxy S8, I saw there was a dirt, like a thread fiber, got into the upper microphone of my Galaxy S8. I was so worried if this would impair the sound recording quality. I avoided to use hard and sharp pointed tusk such as pin to take it out. So I used a paper, twisted it, and wet the tip so the dirt would stick to the paper. But the dirt got into the hole even deeper. It drove me super crazy.

I suddenly felt bad. I was super worried that what I just did even worsened the problem. I was afraid if the dirt completely blocked the microphone. I was afraid if the paper tore the water resistance membrane. I couldn't think straightly. I was so regretful and disappointed by myself. My mind couldn't calm down. My emotion escalated very quickly that I almost lost my mind to tusk the hole with the needle and not to care what's gonna happens next even if it will break my phone. I was so mad by the dirt that I just wanted that damn dirt to get out from my mic no matter how.

This always happens to me. I cannot control my anger. I cannot be patient. When I want something, I want it right away. When I have a problem, I want it fixed right away. When I hate something, I just want it to get rid right away. If I do not solve it right away, it haunts my mind all the time and it drives me crazy. But when I cannot wait and just try to fix it right away, then I eventually make it worse, I become so depressed and stressful. Then I feel so disappointed and hate myself for the rest of my life. Then, I destroy that good and hope I can forget it right away. And it makes my psychology even worsen. 

I have destroyed so many goods because of the same reason. It happens again and again. I have wasted so much money because of my emotional instability. I couldn't think straight when I destroyed my valuable goods. The anger and disappointment has controlled me. But luckily not this time. This is because I can ensure myself that my phone is just okay after I checked if the microphone works perfectly, and make sure if the paper I inserted to the hole will not hurt the mic. I searched on the internet the Galaxy S8 structure and from there I found that the mic and membrane do not face directly outwards, but make a 90° angle so it is not easy for that paper to break the membrane and the mic. I also have submerged my phone in the toilet sink to make sure if there is no leakage from the microphone port. Otherwise, I can be one level crazier now. Still, I feel my phone is no longer perfect anymore as it used to be.

Finally I Talked to My Roommate

Sydney 28 April 2017

So, last night I couldn't hold my anger anymore to my roommate. It was 3 am in the morning and he kept talking as if there is nothing wrong with it. At first, tried to cut off his WiFi but using the netcut app, but unfortunately it didn't work as I expected. So, I just talked to him directly. 

"I see you lately always talking every night. You know it is already 3 am in the morning. You can talk with your girlfriend outside. Even if you whisper, your whisper still disturbs me. And because you always sleep late, you never wake up just to turn off your multiple alarm in the morning. I can never get enough sleep. Please respect me".

Then he said sorry and thanks to me, turned off his computer and his lamp. Then, I could sleep peacefully. Now it becomes so strange that our room suddenly turns very quiet. Moreover, I just can't understand how those lovers have not had enough to see and talk to each other 24 hours a day. Their love is still young and new, everything they see in this world is only themselves. They become so selfish that they ignore the existence of other people around them. I really want to fast forward to see how their story ends. :evil:

AKG earphones

Sydney, 27 April 2017

Another good thing that comes within the Samsung Galaxy S8 package is the AKG earphones. I used to use my old Samsung earphone and it was okay. I didn't expect a quality too much from phone bundled earphone. I also watched some the S8 reviews on YouTube and mostly they said the AKG earphone is good but not excellent.

However, after I tried by myself, I can tell that the AKG earphone blows my ears away. When I used my old Samsung earphone, I had to push the buds deep inside into my ears to get a clear bass sound. But when I tried the AKG, even without the help of equaliser bars, the bass register just pleases you to the sky. It is just so clear and very pops out.

What really interesting is it has a hump that snugs and fits very perfectly in my earlobe. These humps actually stop the buds to enter into ear canal deeper, but it is still able to deliver an excellent sound quality. If I notice the hump, the is a small hole in it. I guess the hump is actually a sub-woofer that produces low register sound and delivers the sound vibration through the ear canal's surface. Probably.

Another thing I like from this earphone is its cable is encapsulated by braided fabric, but only a half way from the jack up to the split point. The braided cable ensures its durability and tangle-free. I wish they also used the braided cable for the left and right cables, not only the main cable.

Overall, this is an excellent and worthy earphone to have in a phone-bundle. The price of AKG earphone itself is quite expensive, some people on YouTube say the price is around USD 100 to USD 250. So to me, this time Samsung is quite generous although the price of Samsung Galaxy S8 itself is already soaringly high.

Samsung Gear VR 2017 with Controller

Sydney, 26 April 2017

My second parcel from Samsung has arrived today. The Samsung Galaxy S8 preorder package comes with "the Gear VR 2017 with controller" for free! At first I ordered the S8, I didn't really care about this gadget. But after I tried out, it is super alsome. The controller that comes with it just adds more exciting experience. Samsung also gives a bundle of VR apps for free, either six VR games or eight VR entertainments. So basically, it's a ready to go.

What lacking is the controller still uses conventional AAA batteries as power. I wish they used rechargeable battery instead. Another one is the resolution of the VR could have been better. Despite the S8 has qhd+ display with 570 ppi density, I am still able to see each pixel on the VR display. Nonetheless, it is super duper alsome that pulls you into the virtual world as if it is a reality.

Neat Freak

Sydney, 26 April 2017

Have you ever heard a neat freak to the next level? That's probably me when I start using a new phone or laptop. I make sure that the apps I install in the storage is physically in order manner and not fragmented. I make sure if I install all them first before using them, so the subsequent user data will not ruin the order in storage. When I miss an app to install, or there is an interruption during the installation or a crash when I run the app, I would reset my phone and start all over again from the beginning in orderly manner. My brain always says a messy order inside the storage will cause my phone to work slowly. To me, it is not a perfection.

Furthermore, I also worry about the battery charging manner. I always make sure if I charge the battery carefully to avoid capacity loss. The last thing, I also worry about the order of running apps once I turn on my phone. Most of the time, after I open so many apps in my phone, I always turn off my phone, charge battery to 100% level, turn it on again while the charger is still connected (so i won't lose some power during booting up), leave it some times so all the start up apps run completely, then I disconnect the charger, then my phone feels like a fresh new one and ready to go. It's a perfection to me.

I worry over almost anything, and I am so tired of it.

I Fall in Love with Sydney

Sydney, 25 April 2017

Today is ANZAC day in Australia and New Zealand. It is the day where people are remembering those who died in serve or conflict or war or making peace. But today I didn't get up early to attend Anzac Day Dawn Service or to see Anzac Day Parade. My feet were aching after walking to Opera House yesterday, and I thought it is okay to give myself a treat to stay longer on bed during this holiday.

However, after lunch, I walked out to Royal Botanical Garden to see some autumn colours there. I wanted to try my phone camera again. This time, the walk distance is even further than yesterday, about 5 km. But it would be fun because I would walked through some beautiful city parks. I enjoyed the view so much and captured some yellowish and reddish autumn leaves along the pedestrian walks, with the mix of beautiful old sandstone and modern buildings. 

My destination point was Mrs Macquarie's Chair at Royal Botanical Garden. Then, I walked along the gardens and ended in The Opera House. From there, I took a train and bus to get back to my dorm. It was raining, but it was fun since I didn't feel the heat from the sun. I guess I start to fall in love with Sydney. It has everything, from hustle and bustle of metropolitan to vast beautiful landscape from mountain to sea, you name it! 

What I wish more on Sydney are, I wish this city is bigger, and I wish this city has real four-season experience. Sydney is the largest city in Oceania, but it is relatively very small compared to Jakarta or Tokyo. Australia is a vast continent but only 24 million people live on it. Sydney's proximity to Pacific ocean also weaken the four-season effect. And most of Australian native plants are not deciduous during winter, so we don't really see the autumn colour.

Here are some pictures I took with my GS8

Is It wrong to be a Gay?

Sydney, 25  April 2017

Last night, my crush asked me whether being gay is wrong. Then I answered him "I used to be a denial, but now I believe there nothing wrong to be a gay. It is wrong when you are an ignorant person whether you are straight or gay, whether you are theist or atheist. And to me Islam is such an ignorant religion."

I used to believe in Islam. I worshipped and gave up myself to my god be a good Muslim. I pushed myself so hard to be a man based on their definition. I worried about marriage as the time I get older since I couldn't find any sexual attraction to women. While Muslims are judging and labelling others based on their belief and sexual orientation. They become perfect hypocrites. I just don't feel right with their values. There must be something wrong with it. There are thousands of religion out there, and if god does exist, there must be a real one exists, but I just don't know which.

I know probably I'll change my mind in the future, since what I believe now might be wrong as the time reveals the answer. But at least, I use my logic right now to believe what I think it is right. I set free my thought to find the answer. When I was a Muslim, I used to ask so many things, but as they couldn't answer my questions, they always said "Muslims don't ask too far, god's secret is beyond human's knowledge". This is such an ignorant doctrine. Then, how can you know about the truth if you don't find the answer? Muslims believe their god because they are told to do so. No further question to ask. To make it even harder to escape, being apostasy is a family's disgrace and he/she deserves death punishment. I think this is the main reason why Islam lives in the past, not in the future.

I don't want to be stuck to live in 6th century. I just want to live in reality, not in a story book. Don't they see the reality that atheist, secular countries are wealthy, healthy, well educated, developed countries, while Islamic, religious countries are left behind in most everything unless they depend on their natural resources for glamorous lifestyle, and easily provoked into civil war? What are they denying?

People are becoming religious since they are afraid of what beyond after death. They are afraid of something they don't know. But instead of being a good and useful person while they are living, they are so obsessed with heaven and hell story. Then they start to judge others as the occupants of heaven, or occupant of hell. Religion makes them to live in the dark ages and traps them to live in fear of unknown, forever and ever.

To me, it is fine to be wrong this time, as I know it is a process for us to find the answer of the secret of life. At least, we use our logic to find the answer, and not being such an ignorant, racist Muslim. I don't care if god exists or not, or if life after death exists or not, to me the most important thing is how you live in this world as a good person and be useful and give your contribution to the world.

Samsung Galaxy S8 Night Shot

Sydney, 24 April 2017

After a long waiting, my galaxy S8 has arrived to me. My first impression is, "it is smaller than I anticipated". S8 has 5.8" display but its size is significantly slimmer than my galaxy note 3 which has 5.7" display.

At the evening, I walked down to Circular Quay to try out S8 camera. It is so impressive how the camera is very capable to capture the low light quite fast and clear. I also noticed that the S8 lens angle is wider (at least if I compare it with my galaxy note 3). I also tried pro mode to play with long-exposure photography. Here are some pics I took.

P.S.
Samsung also sent me a plastic bag for my old phones to recycle. I can put my old phones in that plastic bag and send them via Australia Post. This something does not exist in Indonesia. However, I won't throw my old phones away. I can fix them and give them to my sisters.

A Plastic Fork Thief

Sydney, 23 April 2017

Last night, I washed my eating utensils and I left them in kitchen to let them dry. But then I forgot  to take them until the next morning I found someone has stolen my plastic fork and knife. This was not the first time in our floor that someone took someone's else things without permission. So I left a note in the kitchen for that guy to return my cutlery.

Tonight, when went to the kitchen to fill up my bottle with tap water, I found someone has put a pack of plastic fork and a pack of plastic knife under my note. I felt so insulted. I felt like he (she) does not respect me at all. I felt like he values my dignity as cheap as a pack of cutlery. 

He thinks he can buy anything in this world with his money. Do you think that I am gonna sell my cutlery with his price? of course not. Well the matter is not about how expensive the thing is, but about the attitude. He thinks he can do anything he wants, taking others' goods without permission, disrespect them, and compensate them with a pack of fork? Am I that cheap? Or probably it is his attitude that is only worth a plastic fork.

I was instantly insulted. If only I knew the person, I would probably say "how much is your price? I'll buy you. Then I'll stab your asshole with your plastic forks and knives so you'll know what it feels to be degraded.". My mood plunged to total mad and It completely ruined my study. I was studying for my mid exam tomorrow, but because of this, I cannot concentrate anymore. All my anger controlled me.

The good thing is, I didn't keep my anger by myself. I released the anger by sharing the story to some friends. I tried so hard to get my focus back to my study. While I was studying, I kept contemplating what went so wrong. I finished my study and my anger has calmed down. I felt like I am too worthy to fight a 5 cent fork with a 5-cent-worthy person. I just wanted to close this case, so I wrote this note for him.

I wish I wrote "Dear borrower, you may have my plastic fork and knife" just to gently satirise him instead of attacking him directly. I wish that person came to me and said his apology, since I know the person must be my friend. I would have forgiven him and let him to use my fork if he told me.

Sichuan Cuisine

Sydney, 21 April 2017

Today, my classmate invited me to have lunch in Chinatown. He's gonna take me to a Sichuan restaurant because he knows I like spicy food very much. He said, Sichuan is famous of its spicy culinary. I was so excited and curious to taste them all.

We met at Central Park Mall at 11.15 am and walked together to Chinatown. He said we need to come early since we might not get the seat if we come there a little bit late (so it is supposed to be a quite famous restaurant). It just took 10 minutes for us to get there. The name of the restaurant is Spicy Joint, so it should represent the spiciness of the food they serve. The restaurant was not very obvious from outside since it shares space in Harbour Plaza. But unlike the other food stalls, it occupies a whole second floor. It is so spacious and quite fancy.

I entrust my friend to pick the menu, since all of the foods look so tasty and spicy with overwhelmed chili slices on them. We ordered a basket of white rice, a bowl of beef in a chili broth, a bowl of various skewers (beef, chicken giblet, cow's tripe, shrimp, mushroom, tofu, and sliced potato), and a plate of cabbage cooked with sweet potato noodles. To me, each dish has unique taste to another, and I have never had such taste before in my life.

The beef is so salty but not that spicy despite it is dipped inside the chili broth. I was about to pour some of the broth over my rice because I wasn't satisfied with the spiciness but my friend said Chinese don't usually eat the broth. It turned to be oil and chili, not broth so I shouldn't eat it too much. I love the skewers better, since I can taste the spice inside the meat. The skewers are also dipped in broth but this time the broth is lighter and not spicy at all. So I guess the skewers have been marinated with spicy sauce previously. And the last, the cabbage turns out to be a little bit sour as my friend said they put some vinegar on it. 

I was expecting a very spicy food, but it turned out those dishes are not that spicy. I aksed him whether these foods really represent the authentic Sichuan food and he said yes. He said it is very easy to find Chinese food ingredients in Sydney and the quality of those imported products are even better than the products sold locally in China. Overall I thanked him for introducing me a new experience of culinary. We only spent $61 for all those foods, which in my opinion is surprisingly cheap. I planned to invite him to Indonesian restaurant to taste nasi padang with its various chili sauces.

Kartini's Day

Sydney, 21 April 2017

I just woke up after having an afternoon nap. Then I just lied on my bed and scrolled through my Instagram. I found an interesting fact that some women in Instagram celebrate the Kartini's Day by mentioning a quote "Educated women do not mean to compete with men, they mean to develop a generation".

The quote seems nice for most of Indonesians, but to me, it is just another form of women's restraint. First, it says educated women do not mean to compete with men. Come on, we are now living in 21st century, we have left the dark age hundreds years ago, why do Indonesians choose to stuck in the past? Men and women are all human being. We all believe that every person has the same right to be anything they want. Women are really capable to compete with men. Don't degrade your confidence because of the outdated patriarchy. Yes, patriarchy is quite strong in Indonesian culture and religion (Islam), probably this is why Indonesian women is still permissive to be the second-class citizen.

Furthermore, the concept that women are responsible to educate their children is not completely true. You may argue this and that, but let's see the fact how many women work to feed their family, and how many men waste their time to stay up at night hanging out with their male neighbours? Raising and teaching kids are responsible of both male and female parents, not only one sided. Also, women have the same right with men to expand their potency and career. It is so uncivilised to say that women cannot continue to pursue their dream since they have to stay at home raising their kids. The old role that says men work and women stay at home, to me, is just an old, obsolete concept and no longer relevant today. The most important is the collaboration between man and woman in a household, no matter what role they decide.

Anyway, happy Kartini's Day for Indonesian women!

Rebel Girls

Sydney, 20 April 2017

As usual when I am studying, I always get distracted by something else, like this time, I come to this video on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/rebelgirls/videos/1629783527049636/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED

This video is so inspiring. Its introduction re-illustrates what if Cinderella was a boy, and they criticise if all kid stories always depict girl as a character who does not have a power to decide what she wants to be and always dominated by man's plot.

What really intrigues me is a comment from Tahmeena Khan (https://www.facebook.com/nahink?fref=ufi&rc=p) that says "we are busy teaching our daughters to be strong independent human beings, but we forget that boys need to know these things about girls as well. How else will they share the responsibility of the future equally". I think this is so accurate. 

Jakarta Governor Election 2017

Sydney, 20 April 2017

I rarely comment on politics, but I think what happened in Jakarta governor election 2017 clearly depicts that most of Indonesians are racists and easily provoked by the sentiment of religion. Again, this is a real example of how people will act irrationally when their mind is controlled by religion. They will put aside all the logic and reality and they eyes are blinded and their brain is covered by the religion. Whether the fact says right or wrong, they don't look up on it. They just believe what their religion says as the right source. I wouldn't say which candidate is better or worse. What I am gonna say is that people elect the candidate not based on their rational deliberation, but merely (and blindly) based on religion. No matter how bad the candidate is, if their religion orders them to choose him, they will choose him, and no matter how good the candidate is, if their religion forbids them to choose him, they will ignore the fact that he is competent to be chosen.

Isn't it the real example of hypocrisy? Then, why do they accuse others as hypocrites? They should have bought mirror for themselves!

Now it also shows how dangerous to be extremist is, since they will not be rational anymore, cannot think straight, and would die if their religion asks them to do so. Probably, this is how those terrorists initially get brainwashed.

P.S.
In my opinion, accusation of insulting Islam to the incumbent is just a strategy made up and employed by his political opponents to tackle him. To me, what he says in his speech is depicting the truth of our society's condition, but Muslim cannot accept the truth and being denials as usual, when they come to their religion. RIP Indonesia.

The Darkest Side of Mine

Sydney, 19 April 2017

Lately, I was thinking too much about my life. Like this morning, a thought crossed my mind how I want to tell the world what makes me becoming a vengeful and depressed person. This afternoon, when I was about to write a story about my trip I just had last weekend, I ended up in a YouTube video which makes me super sad and reminds me about my gloomiest side of my life that I have never revealed to others. Here is the video:

I love to watch Sacha Stevenson YouTube channel because she is so interesting person. Here, I also learn the non-Indonesian's honest perspective about Indonesia.

Ok, back to the topic. Ever since I knew I grew up differently with other boys, I kept denying my identity and blaming myself. I looked for the help from the god and I dated some girls. I also tried to mingle with some bad boys just to get their perspective how to be a real man (in society's perspective).

Shortly, it eventually made me even depressed. I have been a good boy, nice boy, a studious boy, and an obedient boy. I listened to all my mom's and teachers' words. I didn't breach any rules. But I had to hide my tears when people around me put their stigma and prejudice towards people like me. They just don't know if their prejudice is unreasonable but influenced by their religion. What makes it worse is that the fact that those people are all hypocrites.

They said being a religious person is good while homosexuals are all sinners, but I saw so many Muslim men are womaniser by having two, three or four wives in the name of religion. In fact, they did it just to fulfill their lusts. Substantially, there's no difference between them and sluts. Moreover, I saw how Muslim men put their position as superior over women, and women are nothing but to blame and be controlled by men, in order to get god's heaven. To me, men or women, all are human that have the same opportunity of what they want to be for their life. I don't believe in sexism at all. All Islam values are totally irrelevant to my life experience.  Well they can argue all their theories by referring to Quran, but we are living in reality, not on a story book written in sixth century.

Straight people also feel disgusted with us because the say we love the wrong gender. Well, the fact is there are even more disgusting straight couples everywhere I can find along the way. Men who claim themselves as "real men" are often very nasty and creepy by teasing, cat-calling and disrespecting women. The proudly promote sexual harassment to women as a normal men's behaviour. While straight couples who are drowned and drunk in love are often disgusting by showing their romance excessively in public and sometimes they are too far and inappropriate. Young lovers quite often prioritise their love story over other responsibilities. Even my own sisters couldn't think rationally when they are in love, no matter how many times I told them what to do and what not to do, like you should have prioritised you study over your date, or you shouldn't come home late, or it is inappropriate make a call after midnight to your boyfriend. None of my words were heard.

Despite their poor attitudes, Muslims and straights always claim they are the rightest person on earth and they deserve to judge and punish other people. Am I a bad person? Does being gay make me a bad guy? Have I done something wrong to them for real? What do you blame on me? It is so irrational. However, I shouldn't expect any logic reasoning in religion. I just can't believe my own religion promotes hatred towards homosexuals, and all straight people see it as their advantage to mock us.

I used to look for a shelter from my God, but how can I feel safe and be loved when He actually curbs me with His punishment? It's not a love, it's not a protection, it is a restraint. He's the source of my disappointment, then how can I worship Him? Later, I questioned more and more things in life and how the Quran is no longer relevant with today's life. I never got satisfied with the answers from people. All their answers just refer back to Quran, which is actually a circular reasoning paradox. I used to deny from having doubtfulness in my own religion, but now I am freeing my self from my religion's prison.

I also used to deny my sexual orientation. I blamed myself a lot. I tried so hard to fit in the society. I dated some girls in hoping I could be "normal" as what people want. I lied my heart, I lied my women, and I lied people around me. It hurts so much! I could never get my own love. I was also haunted by the guilt of lying a love to my women. I cannot forgive myself for giving them a fake love. There is no woman in this world who is voluntarily willing to be my subject of learning to be a straight man. No one! I kept denying myself until I am tired. I tried relentlessly although I know it is just another broken heart for us. I love them, I love women, I adore their beauty and personality, I feel comfortable when I am beside them, but I definitely know it's not a sexual attraction. I don't have any sexual desire to them no matter how hard I try. I often cry in silent to know that I am different. How long can I pretend, how long can I lie, and how long can I fake myself?

People around me always ask why I am not getting married yet. Even a friend of mine sarcastically said to me if there is a  hadith says the worst deceased is he who is still single when he dies. I always felt uneasy with marriage question, but now, I am gonna say "fuck you with your life!". I can just rudely answer, "you married because you just want to have sex with your girl; you cannot control your lust, or your dick easily turns on because you have dirty minds!". It as if marriage is the ultimate happiness and the highest achievement of a person. Some people got married and eventually create a burden for themselves, for their family, or even for the country. While I am single but I can still support my mom's and all my sisters' financial problem. I don't be a burden for them. I can expand my capabilities without having any obstacle related to family-role limitation. See, I can contribute something useful for my surroundings too, even better than them.

I remember when we were very young, my mom always said to us, "do not get married before you have a settle life". Our family has had enough living in poverty. My mom just does not want all her kids to live in the same misery ever again. I keep her words in my mind until now, but not with my sisters.  I know they are disgusted to gays and sometimes mocking them. They are proud of their straight love story, but now I can just smirk to their life after marriage. My best revenge is when they still need my help to solve their problem after all. Although I realise no one knows someone's future, but at least we can spare to the worst scenario. I feel like I am living in the world full of hypocrisy.

I know that even I explain this thing repeatedly and excessively, they will never understand, because they never be me. They choose their logic to be imprisoned in the threat of religion. I was so disappointed but now I don't listen to what they say. I do not need them to understand me. I am gonna make them see if I am worth to live and to be loved. I am going to be real me, to be a good and nice boy.

Gio's 23rd Birthday

Sydney, 18 April 2017

My friend in dorm is having a birthday today, and he invited us to his birthday party. He set up a dinner in local Italian pizza restaurant and he had a great deal with the owner, $18 per person for unlimited pizza. He's Italian so I believe his choice is gonna be a best possible Italian pizza experience for me in Sydney.

Shortly, there were 16 people came to the event and he was loved and looked so happy. He is really a nice and lovable personality. I have no doubt about it. But then, it somehow makes me rethinking again about what I did for my own birthday. I usually hide my birthday from my friends. I don't want my friends know or I don't expect anything from them for my birthday. I always pretend that it is gonna be a usual day for me, nothing special for them, and nothing to exaggerate, I keep saying I am not a soft-hearted person and there are more important and serious task to do than having a birthday celebration.

No! It's all wrong. Those are only my denial. I keep denying to myself if I am actually afraid of rejection, afraid of not being loved, and afraid if people will not love me as I want during my birthday. I am afraid to see my worry becomes a reality to me so that's why I run away from my own birthday. I usually bought my own birthday cake and shared it with friends in office. They didn't have any idea if it was my birthday and they said that I wasn't supposed to buy my own cake.

Anyway, I just can't believe he is still 23 years old. I thought we are at the similar age, like most master students, it will be at least around 25 or 26 years old. I kept telling him that he was lying to me about his age. Now I feel ashamed for saying such harsh words during his birthday. Lastly, I want to say "Happy 23rd Birthday, Gio!"

Morisset Park

Sydney, 16 April 2017

This Sunday, a friend of mine asked me to accompany him to go to Morisset, a small town near Newcastle, New South Wales. I agreed since I didn't have any plan yet to spend my Easter holiday. We were going to see wild kangaroos in Morisset wildlife. He said, "Don't forget to bring some bananas because kangaroos love them so much". So in that morning before departing to Central Sation, I packed some bananas from dining hall.

We met at platform 10 of Central Station, where the CCN (Central Coast and Newcastle) train taxied. It was 8.30 in the morning and the train would depart at 09.15. The sky was so blue and clear, and the breeze was cool, the temperature showed 15 degree of Celsius. The view during the trip was so beautiful. We passed the east coast of Australia which remains me to south coast of Indonesia; hilly and beachy. It took almost two hours to arrive at Mosrisset station. The Morisset Park is about 5 km from the station. We can go there on foot, by Opal bus (one bus every hour), or a shuttle car (one every 15 minutes) for 3 dollars each person. We decided to go there by shuttle car since it is much quicker.

The park seemed to be very small (compared to Blue Mountain or Royal National Park), and it is part of a psychiatric hospital. There is a large open space surrounded by small pine forest. We walked into the forest and we were welcomed by at least three kangaroos. We had a chance to interact closely with one of them, which is so gentle. I gave her a banana and she liked it so much. But then more and more people came and those kangaroos seemed afraid of them. They run into the deep forest. We're waiting for them quite long but none appeared.

While we were waiting for herd of kangaroos to come out from their hiding place, we sat on the grass under the pine shades. People also seemed bored and they just sat like us. We ate our lunch that we brought from home, while we talked so many things. I was personally not too close with my friend whom I went with, but the conversation opened up more and more his other side. He's generally a quiet guy and looked serious. I would say, his personality is more or less similar with me. He's also about the same age with me.

We started our conversation about how we make up our English accent. I said to him if I can speak English quite fluently when I speak with Indonesian friends or non-English native friends, but I can suddenly become a dumb and mess my English when I speak to English friends. He theorise if I feel comfortable to speak English with non-English friends then I could speak quite fluent English to them. While, I probably feel pressurised when I have to speak with English friends, since I am probably afraid to make grammar and pronunciation mistake which actually makes my English worse.

He then found an evidence if a same person can be two different personalities in two different circumstances. For example, his friends probably think if he is introvert, but in another chance, he can be so talkative. He becomes quiet and be more a listener when he feels uncomfortable with the circumstance. He feels afraid to make a mistake, and as an introvert, he needs a validation from people if he does a good job. It is probably because his environment rarely appreciated his work and often humiliated his failure. While extroverts don't need the validation from others. They are comfortable with their mistakes, but then it makes them to work all out and people do not pay attention to their mistake.

Then I asked him why he would be worried about what people think about him. I said to him that from this year on, since I am now 30 years old already, I promised to myself to be happy and would not listen to what other people say. He then said it is not as simple as that. He said if he was left by his father since he was baby. He didn't explain more the cause-effect relationship of it. If I may draw a premature conclusion, probably the similarity of our background makes us having the same personality. However, he's a devoted Muslim that never misses a single prayer, while I officially have lost my faith to my religion.

Since the roos didn't appear even after we finished our lunch, we decided to walk to Macquarie Lake near the park. unexpectedly, we met a lot of roos along the way. It was actually easy for us to lure them to come close, but a group of people always came close to us every time they saw we had roos with us. And it makes all the roos run away. I was so annoyed with those people!!! At the lake, we met a very nice and friendly Australian family. I just wondered and asked them whether or not a croc lives in the lake. My question was answered with a hug and welcome greet from them. I felt so loved and welcomed.

The sun was low and we went back to the car park for the shuttle car to take us to the station. On the way back to car park, we saw so many roos filling the grass field once it was empty. A stranger showed us how roos are actually super friendly, and yes they actually are! I am so amazed that he can touch the roo without making him run away. I wondered if he is actually a roo whisperer. I thank him to make us possible to have great pictures with kangaroo. I saw so many kids were playing with roos on the grass field. We assumed the roos are out from their nest when it is shady or when the temperature is cooler. So next time we go to see kangaroo again, we make sure it is not scorching hot day.

My Super Annoying Roommate

Sydney, 15 April 2017

I guess I cannot be patient anymore to my supper annoying roommate. He keeps talking to his girlfriend 24/7 via video chat.

I have complained to him because he kept talking with his girlfriend on the phone loudly after midnight. I said "unplug your earphone while you are talking so you can control your volume". Right after I sad that, he turned off his phone and went to bed. But it wasn't over. Later, he changed from voice chat to text chat. He always types on the computer keyboard very very loudly as if he is typing on a typewriter. I wonder if his laptop can last longer than one year if he treats it that roughly. His brother bought him that laptop last semester, now he sometimes complains that his laptop does not work properly. His attitude is so harsh. I cannot comment anymore.

I don't mind with his love story, but I do really mind with his attitude to live in a shared room with me. When he wakes up, the first thing he does is talking to his girlfriend. He never disconnect the video chat with his girlfriend on the computer, he keeps it always on like 24/7. He keeps talking until afternoon, evening, and midnight again. But now, he talks whisperingly after midnight. He brings his laptop on his side when he goes to bed, and continuously talks until they both fall asleep but leaves the video chat on all night until morning. Basically, they sleep together via web cam, and I can see his girlfriend sleeping too, and very likely she can see all my activities in my room too. Where the hell is privacy?

Even if he whispers, his voice still annoys me. It even sounds worse in the quiet night, as if he whispers right next to my ears. I cannot sleep peacefully every single night. I have tried to quip him by playing a loud music every time he makes noises but it does not work. He plugs his ears with earphone and busy talks with his girlfriend; he does not care about anything else happens around him. Moreover, I am too sleepy to compete with him to create the loudest and most annoying noise. I just want to sleep peacefully.

Because he always sleeps late, he always wakes up late too. He sets multiple alarms on his phone and his desk clock from 6 am till 10 am, but he never wakes up to turn of the alarms. While, I only set up one alarm in vibration mode, and I always wake up earlier than him. The sound of his alarms is another annoying thing. Even when he already wakes up, he prefers to go to bathroom first and leaves the alarms scream loudly in our room. Once upon a day, he asked me to wake him at 8.30 am because he had quiz. I just replied "ya" lazily but by 8.30 am I pretended to sleep although I was awake since his alarms rang relentlessly (but amazingly, he didn't wake up).

Ever since, everything he does always looks bad in my eyes. He never tidies up his bed after waking up in the morning; he leaves his blanket and clothes scattered on his bed. When he eats, he never shuts his mouths when he chews his food; it creates annoying sound just like a duck eats his food. When he talks with his compatriots in our room or on the telephone, they talk super loudly that I cannot distinguish whether they are cheering or quarreling. But when he talks to his girlfriend on the phone, he changes his voice to whispering as if he is afraid if someone else know what they are talking about, even actually I don't understand a single world of Bengali. He's only 19, or 10-11 years younger than me, but he doesn't respect me at all. I know he is very smart, but to me, he is so uncivilised.

It is an unfortunate for me to be in pair with him in this dorm. We are paired based on our habits preferences. When I applied for the room, I had to inform my habits such as sleep time, wake up time, tolerance to noise, and lighting condition during sleep time. But it turns out that we are so different in appreciating the shared environment. We are paired probably because we both are Muslims so it is easier for us to have a prayer in our room. However, I didn't provide my religion detail in my application, or maybe they just guessed from my name.

Everything was fine at the first month but later as more and more assignments we had, our sleep pattern disordered. It worsened when he found his girlfriend. Actually, I had a chance to move to other room this semester, but I cannot give in my pride over him. If someone has to move from this room, it is supposed to be him, not me. Too bad, now I have another one year to share a room with him. I am afraid if I cannot control my emotion. So far, every time I get super mad with his attitude and feel like to throw anything to his head, I just go out from my room and do another activity till my anger is gone or till he falls asleep.

I remember during our first semester, he always asked me to save his lunch because he had an afternoon class. At first, it was fine for me to save his lunch once or twice. But later, he asked me as if it is my weekly routine. So after I have had enough, I didn't reply his request at all. Meanwhile, I never asked anyone to save me a lunch. I don't like to bother people. Last semester I also had an afternoon class every week, and what I did is I packed my lunch by myself during breakfast and brought it with me to uni. I become so lazy to talk to him anymore.

I remember the first time we met, we talked a lot. I asked him about the situation in his country after an incident of Muslim extremists attack in there. He said the attack has made some Muslims lose their believe and he felt disappointed. He just didn't know if his roommate is also Muslim that has lost faith. But I never tried to be a fake Muslim in front of him. He prays five times a day and that does not make me feel uneasy at all if I don't pray at all. I have my own value to believe.

Being a devoted Muslim does not guarantee you become a good person, and being an unbeliever does not mean you are an evil person. So what is the function of religion? Despite my roommate prays five times a day, he is still ignorant. He reminds himself the value of his religion, but he is drunk of love. Couple of times, I caught him with his girlfriend cuddling each other in our room (I'm not sure tho what they have done, since they looked a little panicking when I suddenly entered our room). I also caught them spending like one hour inside the toilet or bathroom together. I really don't mind with what they are doing as a couple, and none of these are my business! But since he annoys me with their 24/7 video chat, it becomes my concern too. What I see is an example of religious hypocrisy.

I wish they are gonna break up soon so I'll have my peaceful sleep back again.

My Religion is Not a Religion of Peace

Sydney, 15 April 2017

This friend's Facebook post is so accurate to tell my disappointment to my own religion's view towards apostates, infidels, homosexuals or anyone else who has different belief from Islam.

"

"Hukuman Mati Mashal Khan"

Sekalipun geram, Saya sendiri tidak kaget dengan tragedi yang menimpa Mashal Khan di Pakistan, karena tragedi itu juga pernah terjadi di Indonesia, seperti syiah di sampang dan ahmadiyah di cikeusik karena pengkafiran sepihak. Seperti yang saya katakan dahulu, inilah Islam, mau wahabi, sunni, atau syiah sekalipun. Ketika mereka fanatik dan radikal hal-hal inilah yang terjadi. Saya tidak berusaha generalisasi, tapi inilah fakta.

(Bahkan baru-baru ini ada pengusiran cawagub DKI Pak Djarot setelah sholat jumat, walaupun tidak sampai fatal, ini juga buruk dan berbahaya)

Hukuman mati ini pun menimpa Mashal Khan. Hal ini juga dikarenakan sikap takfiri beberapa kelompok (tuduhan penistaan agama masuk ranah ini). Ini sebabnya saya pernah menulis, siapa saja orang Islam yang menyebut kafir kepada orang lain bisa digugat secara hukum di Indonesia. (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10206234549301723&id=1804858808)

*Jangan Diam Ketika Melihat Sikap Pengkafiran, karena bisa jadi ada nyawa seseorang disitu yang terancam, sikap takfiri ini sudah masuk ranah "HATE CRIME", bukan "HATE SPEECH" lagi.

*Catatan :

Menurut data, 97% Mayoritas penduduk di Pakistan adalah muslim. Sebagian besar muslim sunni dan kebanyakan adalah pengikut Mazhab Hanafi.

Di Pakistan sendiri sejak 1990, kurang lebih ada 65 orang yang tewas dibunuh atas tuduhan penistaan agama.

Beberapa pendapat Imam Hanafi tentang orang murtad :

Ulama Mazhab Hanafi berpendapat bahwa untuk mengajak orang murtad bertobat dan kembali masuk Islam hukumnya hanya dianjurkan saja (sunnah), karena mereka telah mengetahui secara baik Islam tersebut. Apabila mereka tidak tobat, setelah diajak tobat selama tiga hari, maka mereka boleh dibunuh.

Sedangkan bagi wanita yang murtad, Ulama Mazhab Hanafi juga menambah hukuman tambahan lain bagi wanita yang tidak mau bertobat, yaitu memenjarakannya sampai mati, karena menurut mereka wanita tidak boleh dibunuh.

Menurut ulama Mazhab Hanafi dan Hanbali, orang-orang yang tidak diterima tobatnya adalah:

(a) Orang zindik, karena Allah SWT berfirman, "Kecuali mereka yang telah tobat dan mengadakan perbaikan, dan menerangkan (kebenaran)...” (QS.2:160).

Untuk orang zindik, menurut mereka, tidak bisa diterka tobat mereka, karena sikap mereka di luar memang mengaku Islam dan batinnya tetap kafir.

(b) Orang yang berulangkali murtad.

*tambahan contoh pendapat hanafi tentang LGBT :

1. Ta’zir berupa penjara. Menurut madzhab Hanafi, lelaki yang kerjaannya menyanyi, banci, dan meratapi kematian pantas dihukum dengan penjara sampai mereka bertaubat.

2. Orang banci yang membiarkan dirinya dicabuli dan disodomi.

Imam Abu Hanifah berpendapat, hukumannya adalah ta’zir yang bisa sampai ke tingkat eksekusi, (seperti:) dibakar, atau dijungkalkan dari tempat yang tinggi.

Masih mau bilang Islam yang radikal itu tidak buruk apapun alirannya? Mau perang tafsir dengan klaim tafsir mu yang paling benar? Silahkan! Sampai manusia punah juga tidak akan selesai, kecuali Islam melakukan revolusi besar-besaran terhadap dasar-dasar ideologinya.

#RIP_MashalKhan #StopBlasphemyLaw #StopTakfiriTerorism

#IndonesianSeculer

"

Source: https://www.facebook.com/rais.sapoetra/posts/10206467108675562

I am so sad how Muslims are forced to believe in their religion because their life is threatened if they quit. It says not to use your logic but just believe it. What a barbaric and ignorant belief.

Bureaucracy in Indonesia

Sydney, 14 April 2017

A friend of mine shared her story on Instagram last night. She said there was a young lady who was applying for tax ID to her desk in office. The current regulation for tax ID registration is that only one tax ID is given for each family, held by the head of the family, e.g. husband. The lady said her husband left them and was unknown since then. She brought a letter from headman to support her status. However, as stated in her ID card, her status is married. After consulting with some colleagues, my friend rejected the lady's application. The reason is the fact that her status is still married thus  tax office cannot issue tax ID to married woman. The lady then cried in my friend's desk.

I have been in that situation when I asked for a reference letter from district office for applying a police clearance letter. The staff couldn't issue the reference letter since I couldn't give my father's detail. I was so angry at that moment but I didn't show it up. I was so angry since how can a father who has neglected his kids is still considered very important for his kids' administration. I felt like the bureaucracy in Indonesia is so fall behind. It is so unfair for people like us. 

Bureaucracy is created to make an order, administration, and control. However, bureaucracy in Indonesia is inefficient and quite often transferring the administration works to the customers. Bureaucrats do not want to work extra but only receive a finish result. I am a bureaucrat myself, at the same time I am also a customer of government services. Reflecting from both situations, I always try to give my best service to my customers, but quite often it ends up with my disappointment since the environment does not support me and does not agree with me despite I have tried and sacrificed a lot. This also makes me to set a high expectation to the public services, and quite often I got angry when I couldn't get what I expect from them.

A Lie Between Us

Sydney, 13 April 2017

When I scrolled my Facebook timeline, I came to this video.

This video reminds me that "there is still a lie between us". Whether you deny it or not, it is said in the Quran that infidels, Christians, and Jews are the enemy of Islam. Even, I heard by myself when a friend of mine said to me "but she is the enemy of Islam" because I helped a Christian friend. I just can't believe such a dumb moron, ignorant bigot exists in this world.

I heard this "belief" so many times in my life. It is often being said in Islamic Friday Prayer. I am so disappointed how a religion promotes prejudice and hatred. And what makes me even disappointed that its followers just believe it illogically. They don't see the reality. What they see is a fiction from a book. It makes them such a perfect hypocrites. I just, can't say anything more. I am so sad and disappointed.

What Does Google Think of Me?

Sydney, 12 April 2017

So in the middle of the class, my teacher said if we can actually see all what Google has collected about our preferences in order to offer unique ads based on our preferences. He then said, Google can also predict our gender and age based on the preferences.

I always turn on my laptop during lecture, and promptly search anything on internet of what my teachers said during the class. So without further ado, I typed "what does google think of me" on the search bar. And Google gave this address: www.google.com/settings/u/0/ads

Taadaa,,, I saw lots of preferences about me. It proves how random my thought is. So here are those preferences of mine:

• Audio Equipment
• Beauty & Fitness
• Blues
• Boating
• Boats & Watercraft
• Bollywood & South Asian Film
• Books & Literature
• Business & Industrial
• Business News
• Career Resources & Planning
• Cats
• Celebrities & Entertainment News
• Classical Music
• Computer Drives & Storage
• Computers & Electronics
• Cooking & Recipes
• Country Music
• Coupons & Discount Offers
• Custom & Performance Vehicles
• Dance & Electronic Music
• Dogs
• Education
• Fashion & Style
• Fast Food
• Finance
• Folk & Traditional Music
• Food & Drink
• Games
• Home & Garden
• Jazz
• Mobile & Wireless
• Mobile Phones
• Motorcycles
• Movies
• Outdoors
• Performing Arts
• Pets & Animals
• Phone Service Providers
• Politics
• Pop Music
• Product Reviews & Price Comparisons
• Restaurants
• Rock Music
• Science
• Shopping
• Skiing & Snowboarding
• Sports
• Travel
• Trucks, Vans and Lorries
• TV & Video
• TV Documentary & Non-fiction
• Video Software
• Water Sports
• Water Sports Equipment
• Winter Sports Equipment
• World Music
• World News

Google also accurately guesses my gender and age based on my preferences. Good job, Google!