Update of My Thoughts

 Surabaya, 21 September 2023

After days of disappointment, it is weird that I don't think about it anymore. Perhaps, being busy at work has helped me to stay positive. Initially, I thought my life has ended, and I even had suicidal thoughts. But just in two days, those thoughts were gone. I kept busy at work especially preparing a farewell party for my bosses' rotation to other offices.

It's a magic that the more I congrats them, the more I feel relieved and accept it. I know that I still have many things to do in my current office, and maybe I am not ready yet to get promoted. I remember my idealistic words that I said many years ago that I will work wholeheartedly wherever I am placed, do my best, and the rests will follow.

I also think maybe this is the best journey I should walk through. Who knows I would get a better life in the future. And maybe, this is the best thing for me right now. Imagine that I have to live far from home and far away from the mental health facilities if I got promoted, I don't think I am ready for that at the moment, right?

Anyway, I would say congratulations to my friends, and I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavours.

Advancement

 Surabaya, 19 September 2023

I can't sleep tonight. There is something bothering my mind. How can I feel the pain when I see others succeed with their life while I don't? I feel like my life has ended and I have no future anymore. 

So today at the office, we got a big news that many of my friends got promoted to a higher level of position, while I didn't. What makes me so disappointed is that I was the first person in our year that took master's degree but I did not get promoted yet. Meanwhile my friends who took master's degree after me got promoted. I didn't envy to their promotion, I am happy for them, but I am disappointed with myself. At least, I should have been among them too.

I think I know the reason why it goes this way. In 2018, right after I finished my master's study, I was appointed to work as a staff of an expert staff of the Minister of Finance. However, along the way, I was stressed with the pressure of works given by the expert staff. Until late 2019, I could not bear it anymore that I ran away from the office and never returned. I became very sensitive and had an anger issue. November 2019 was my worst condition that I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Having bipolar disorder, I have to see my psychiatrist regularly at least once in a month to maintain my mood and to get medicines. 

Since then, I was transferred to work in a low-pace unit. Then, in 2021, I was transferred to Surabaya for a new position as an Account Representative. My work performance was also declining to the bottom rank. I had a bad reputation already in my workplace, from running away from the office, to speaking up about LGBT issues. Moreover, who wants to be led by a homosexual and an atheist like me in this identity-political society? Now, considering all those circumstances, how would someone recommend me to be promoted to a higher level of position?  In addition, I need to see a psychiatrist that may not be available in remote area where I might be placed if I got promoted.

The thoughts do not stop until there. I still have a dream to take PhD, whether or not I get a promotion. However, I don't know how to get there, and no one here to teach me. I took a wrong way by taking master by taught without research element in it. Now, I don't have any experience to do a research. Consequently, I don't have any thesis supervisor who can give me a recommendation letter to apply PhD. Another obstacle is that I also made a mistake in my financial decision that I am in a huge debt to buy a house and a car. I don't think I could afford PhD even though I got a scholarship.

It hurts to know that my colleagues are moving forwards while I am stuck here. I feel like I have no future anymore. I have ruined my career path and my study path as well. Everything has ended. I live my life like a zombie.