Surabaya-Jakarta, 25 November 2023
Billions of people are praying to God and condemn the genocide done by Israel to Palestinians. But why are their prayers not heard by the god? Why do they keep losing the war? Why does god allow this tragedy to happen? If this is what the god wants, then why do we have to be angry?
Surabaya, 21 September 2023
After days of disappointment, it is weird that I don't think about it anymore. Perhaps, being busy at work has helped me to stay positive. Initially, I thought my life has ended, and I even had suicidal thoughts. But just in two days, those thoughts were gone. I kept busy at work especially preparing a farewell party for my bosses' rotation to other offices.
It's a magic that the more I congrats them, the more I feel relieved and accept it. I know that I still have many things to do in my current office, and maybe I am not ready yet to get promoted. I remember my idealistic words that I said many years ago that I will work wholeheartedly wherever I am placed, do my best, and the rests will follow.
I also think maybe this is the best journey I should walk through. Who knows I would get a better life in the future. And maybe, this is the best thing for me right now. Imagine that I have to live far from home and far away from the mental health facilities if I got promoted, I don't think I am ready for that at the moment, right?
Anyway, I would say congratulations to my friends, and I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavours.
Surabaya, 19 September 2023
I can't sleep tonight. There is something bothering my mind. How can I feel the pain when I see others succeed with their life while I don't? I feel like my life has ended and I have no future anymore.
So today at the office, we got a big news that many of my friends got promoted to a higher level of position, while I didn't. What makes me so disappointed is that I was the first person in our year that took master's degree but I did not get promoted yet. Meanwhile my friends who took master's degree after me got promoted. I didn't envy to their promotion, I am happy for them, but I am disappointed with myself. At least, I should have been among them too.
I think I know the reason why it goes this way. In 2018, right after I finished my master's study, I was appointed to work as a staff of an expert staff of the Minister of Finance. However, along the way, I was stressed with the pressure of works given by the expert staff. Until late 2019, I could not bear it anymore that I ran away from the office and never returned. I became very sensitive and had an anger issue. November 2019 was my worst condition that I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Having bipolar disorder, I have to see my psychiatrist regularly at least once in a month to maintain my mood and to get medicines.
Since then, I was transferred to work in a low-pace unit. Then, in 2021, I was transferred to Surabaya for a new position as an Account Representative. My work performance was also declining to the bottom rank. I had a bad reputation already in my workplace, from running away from the office, to speaking up about LGBT issues. Moreover, who wants to be led by a homosexual and an atheist like me in this identity-political society? Now, considering all those circumstances, how would someone recommend me to be promoted to a higher level of position? In addition, I need to see a psychiatrist that may not be available in remote area where I might be placed if I got promoted.
The thoughts do not stop until there. I still have a dream to take PhD, whether or not I get a promotion. However, I don't know how to get there, and no one here to teach me. I took a wrong way by taking master by taught without research element in it. Now, I don't have any experience to do a research. Consequently, I don't have any thesis supervisor who can give me a recommendation letter to apply PhD. Another obstacle is that I also made a mistake in my financial decision that I am in a huge debt to buy a house and a car. I don't think I could afford PhD even though I got a scholarship.
It hurts to know that my colleagues are moving forwards while I am stuck here. I feel like I have no future anymore. I have ruined my career path and my study path as well. Everything has ended. I live my life like a zombie.