Universitas Negeri Padang

 Surabaya, 19 Mei 2026

Nemu di IG berita di kumparan, seorang mahasiswa di-DO karena terindikasi gay. Serem banget ya sekarang orientasi seksual jadi ukuran benar salah dalam kehidupan. Pdhal ga ada seorang pun yang bisa memilih untuk memiliki orientasi seksual seperti apa... Jadi takut ntr silogisme ini merembet ke institusi pemerintahan juga. Benar-benar hidup para homoseksual berada dalam diskriminasi, namun para pendiskriminasi merasa tidak bersalah, karena merasa apa yang  yang diimaninya adalah kebenaran. Kalau kata Rita Butar-Butar, "Seandainya, ku bisa terbang jauh, pasti kucari dunia yg lain, untuk apa aku di sini???"

Komentar saya dibalas dengan cacian, hinaan dan sumpah serapah. Wow banget.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYhIemPCCWq/?igsh=YWlzNHJ4aXNxYmt3

Threads

 Surabaya, 11 Mei 2026

Ga sengaja nemu di Threads, ada yang posting nanya apa yang membuat kamu menjadi atheis, agnostik atau deis. Saya ikut berkomentar:

"Hal mendasar seperti kisah penciptaan manusia saja sudah kontradiktif dengan sains, belum lagi kontradiksi-kontradiksi lainnya. Katanya beragama harus dengan akal, tapi katanya imani saja. Katanya semua sudah tertulis, tapi kok ada dosa dan pahala, kok kita harus berusaha? Katanya hidup mati sudah digariskan, kok masih berobat, kok masih pakai safety belt? Kok pasti mati kalau loncat dari lantai 20? Sungguhkan kita benar-benar memiliki kehendak bebas? Katanya mengajarkan kasih sayang, tapi kok penuh kebencian?"

Mungkin ada yang terlupa yang belum saya sebutkan "Katanya Tuhan maha pengasih, tapi kok pemarah dan penghukum? Katanya Tuhan maha membolak-balikkan hati, terus kenapa manusia yang disalahkan? Katanya jika Tuhan berkehendak maka terjadilah, tp kenapa ia membiarkan pertumpahan darah di dunia terus terjadi? Sunguhkan Tuhan menginginkan semua itu terjadi dan menikmatinya? Bahkan dalam lagu-lagu Ebiet G. Ade, Tuhan sering digambarkan sebagai yang maha kuasa, namun menurut saya gambaran tersebut mengerikan seakan Ia haus untuk disembah, jika tidak, Ia menjadi haus darah lewat bencana-bencana yang ditimpakannya." 

Dan, kemudian masih di Threads, saya menemukan posting bagaimana jika teman dekatmu ternyata LGBT. Dan isi komennya mengerikan, penuh dengan kebencian dan amarah dengan membawa-bawa nama Tuhannya, seperti kerasukan Tuhan yang mereka sembah. Padahal Tuhan mereka sendiri yang menciptakan adanya variasi orientasi seksual, namun Tuhan mereka juga yang melaknat apa yang diciptakannya.

Saya kira saya sudah sembuh...

 Surabaya, 14 April 2026

Saya kira saya sudah sembuh dengan kondisi saya yang jauh-jauh lebih stabil dibandingkan 6 tahun yang lalu, di mana sekarang saya sudah tidak peduli lagi dengan pemicu-pemicu yang mucul. Namun hari ini, batin saya kembali terluka. Ternyata ada bagian dari diri saya yang belum sepenuhnya sembuh. Perasaan tidak diterima, dipersalahkan, dihina, kembali muncul dan teramat sangat menyakitkan. Ingin rasanya saya mengakhiri hidup, agar mereka tau bagaimana kejamnya mereka pada orang-orang seperti saya. Mereka tidak pernah mengenal saya dan hidup saya, namun mereka telah menjadi hakim moral atas keadaan saya yang saya tidak pernah tau dan meminta mengapa jalannya seperti ini.

DJP, Kemenkeu, dan segenap pegawainya masih mendiskriminasi homoseksualitas tanpa mereka mau tau, paham, atau sekedar berempati. Yang mereka tau hanyalah rasa superioritas sebagai heteroseksual dibalut dalam alasan norma agama. Bagaimana mungkin orang-orang seperti saya dapat sembuh dari luka batin, bahkan hidup bahagia, produktif jika lingkungannya masih seperti ini. Semua hanyalah omong kosong. Percuma saya menulis seperti ini toh mereka juga tidak akan pernah bisa memahami apa yang saya rasakan. Selamanya.

IDEAS CHAMBER 2026 - Antara Kerja dan Drama: Mengenali dan Menghadapi Toxic Workplace

 Surabaya, 14 April 2026

Hari ini DJP menyelenggarakan "IDEAS CHAMBER 2026 - Antara Kerja dan Drama: Mengenali dan Menghadapi Toxic Workplace", dan narasumber sempat menyampaikan salah satu aduan yang masuk adalah rekan kerja yang LGBT. Hal tersebut tentu mengusik perasaan saya, dan dengan memberanikan diri, saya menulis ini di kolom komentar:

Sempat ada seseorang yang membalas komentar saya dengan komentar "homo itu penyakit bro, dalam sains... blablabla" namun sedetik kemudian komentar tersebut dihapus. Padahal dengan sedikit kemauan, dia bisa googling kenyataan seperti apa, namun orang-orang seperti dia memilih denial.

NB: di kanal Youtube juga ada yang berkomentar seperti ini:

pun di kolom slido masih ada yang berkomentar meskipun acara telah usai, dan tentu ucapannya menyakitkan hati saya, sehingga saya balas sebagaimana berikut:

Cantiknya Kalau Berhijab

 Surabaya, 3 Maret 2026

Di grup keluarga, kakakku tiba-tiba menulis "cantiknya kalau berhijab", kepada keponakanku. Respon itu ia tulis setelah melihat foto keponakanku mengenakan hijab karena ia menjadi MC pada acara pesantren kilat di sekolahnya. Dulu waktu di SMP, keponakanku ini mengenakan hijab sehari-hari di sekolah, karena "paksaan" dari lingkungan sekolahnya, meski gurunya mengatakan tidak ada kewajiban murid untuk mengenakan hijab. Sejak masuk SMA, ia memutuskan untuk tidak mengenakan hijab lagi.

Lagipula menurutku, statement "cantiknya kalau berhijab" itu saja sudah aneh. Bukankah tujuan berhijab adalah agar tidak menarik perhatian lawan jenis? Kalau berhijab justru membuat semakin cantik, lantas esensi dari berhijab jadi hilang dong?

Keluarga kami sudah "waleh" kalau soal perintah berhijab. Zaman ayah dan ibu kami masih bersama, di tahun 90an, dimana orang-orang belum berhijab, ayah sudah mewajibkan ibu dan kakak kami untuk mengenakan hijab. Sekarang semua orang mengenakan hijab, entah karena kesadaran diri-sendiri atau tidak mampu melawan tekanan lingkungan. Yang jelas, berhijab atau tidak seharusnya menjadi pilihan masing-masing individu, bukan karena keterpaksaan, seperti sindiran halus semacam "cantiknya kalau berhijab"

Journaling: 14 - 17 Februari 2026

Malang - Surabaya, 14 - 17 Februari 2026

Sabtu, 14 Februari 2026: Sore hari saya ke dokter gigi bersama Mbak Della. Saya kontrol behel, dan Mbak Della ingin tambal gigi. Ada kekhawatiran oleh Mbak Della tentang besarnya tagihan tambal gigi, namun saya menjamin untuk tidak memikirkannya karena saya akan menanggung biayanya. Ternyata tagihan keseluruhan hanya Rp270.000.

Minggu, 15 Februari 2026: Berkunjung ke rumah Mbak Dina. Sore harinya menjemput Salfa di rumah temannya sekalian mengajari Alin menyetir mobil. Sembari menunggu Salfa selesai dengan kegiatannya, kami mampir ke cafe dan saya memesan coffee latte. Akibatnya, malamnya saya tidak bisa tidur. Saya hanya tidur 1 jam saja di pukuli 5 pagi s.d. pukul 6 pagi. Padahal saya telah berjanji untuk membantu Salfa mengambil gambar video untuk tugas kesenian tari di keesokan harinya (Senin, 16 Februari 2026)

Senin, 16 Februari 2026: Ada beberapa rasa kekhawatiran. Yang pertama, saya tidak tidur di malam sebelumnya, padahal saya sudah berjanji untuk membantu Salfa mengambil gambar video untuk tugas kesenian tarinya. Yang kedua, saya harus bertukar mobil dengan Mas Anang karena saya sudah berjanji mengantar Salfa dan teman-temannya yang berjumlah 5 orang pulang ke Pakis. Saya tidak terbiasa mengendarai mobil Fortuner mas Anang. Yang ke tiga, saya datang ke lokasi tari telalu pagi, sehingga baterai hape saya sudah tinggal separo sebelum pengambilan gambar video. Yang ke empat, saya sudah berjanji kepada Bayu untuk keluar bersama pada malam harinya, menyetir mobil untuk jalan-jalan di tengah keramaian malam imlek, padahal saya sudah merasa sangat lelah dan mengantuk. Pada akhirnya saya tanpa pikir panjang memesan kamar hotel untuk tidur (daripada pulang ke rumah) dengan kartu kredit padahal saldo tabungan saya sudah habis. Namun saya sangat bahagia bertemu dengan Bayu dan menikmati waktu bersamanya. Dan yang ke lima, saya belum berani berterus terang tentang status hubungan saya dengan beberapa orang yang sedang dekat dengan saya, seperti dengan Yoga di Pontianak. Saya harus berbohong kepada mereka mengenai kegiatan apa yang sedang saya lakukan dengan orang lain atau berusaha untuk tidak membahas siapa-siapa saja yang sedang dekat dengan saya. Meskipun saya belum resmi dengan seseorang, namun saya takut menyakiti perasaan mereka dengan menolak atau menyatakan tidak atau menyudahi pendekatan yang sedang saya lakukan. Pola sikap seperti ini yang menyebabkan saya menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang yang sebenarnya tidak saya cintai, namun tetap saya jalani karena rasa kasihan.

Selasa, 17 Februari 2026: Saya pulang ke Surabaya, dan dapat beristirahat seharian karena rasa kantuk dan lelah yang terakumulasi dari hari-hari sebelumnya. Namun, mungkin karena rasa lelah yang sangat, saya bermimpi di mana dalam mimpi saya, saya merasa dipersalahkan, saya merasa orang-orang tidak bisa mengerti keadaan saya, saya seperti memendam emosi, dan pada akhirnya kemarahan saya meledak namun orang-orang tetap tidak mengerti mengapa saya mengamuk. Keadaan ini seperti awal-awal saya didiagnosa Bipolar Disorder. Saya bangun dengan rasa sedih yang mendalam.

They Talk Behind Me

 Surabaya, 21 July 2025

I just knew that ppl in office talk about me behind me. I just could not believe, despite I always try to be nice and friendly to everyone. I thought they genuinely support me uncondicionally.

Do they know that my solitude and the state of being rejected and unloved have caused myself crazy? The only thing that keeps my sanity is meds. Let the meds alone save me from this cruel world.

Second Year of Promotion

Surabaya, 16 August 2024

This week, everyone is celebrating their achievements. Some of them are going abroad for study, some are getting promotion to new positions. It is the second year I don't find my name on the list. Even, my juniors are getting promoted, while I am not. I feel disappointed, angry, and sad. What have I been doing wrong?

I always think that it is my fault. I didn't pass the tests. If only I could stay a little longer. If only I could endure the pain. If only I could manage my emotions. If only I could be a statue that has no feelings. But I couldn't.

Music Band Members

 Surabaya, 18 January 2024

I am currently in a situation where people in my music band are hating homosexuals, but as they may call themselves as a real gentleman, they often make jokes that degrade women. I remember when one of them said "My wife told me if I wear that T-shirt, I look like a gay". In my opinion, "so what's wrong with gay?". His words implies as if homosexual is something bad and deserves humiliations. Now, imagine if you were me in that situation, where you have to hide yourself, fake smiles, but in reality they are hurting you.

It does not stop there. They always make nasty jokes about women. Their words are sexualising women that in my opinion do not respect women's dignity. For example, they said "jilmek (licking women's genital)" and they laugh as if it is a funny thing. 

Contrasting what they said about gay and what they said about women, I can say they are hypocrites. They think they are the real gentlemen because they are straight and judging gays are disgusting, but in another side they does not respect women by sexualising them and makes dirty jokes about them. And this situation seems to be normalised among our society. I am so sad to be in this situation, but what can I do besides hiding myself?

Israel Palestine Conflict

 Surabaya-Jakarta, 25 November 2023

Billions of people are praying to God and condemn the genocide done by Israel to Palestinians. But why are their prayers not heard by the god? Why do they keep losing the war? Why does god allow this tragedy to happen? If this is what the god wants, then why do we have to be angry?

Update of My Thoughts

 Surabaya, 21 September 2023

After days of disappointment, it is weird that I don't think about it anymore. Perhaps, being busy at work has helped me to stay positive. Initially, I thought my life has ended, and I even had suicidal thoughts. But just in two days, those thoughts were gone. I kept busy at work especially preparing a farewell party for my bosses' rotation to other offices.

It's a magic that the more I congrats them, the more I feel relieved and accept it. I know that I still have many things to do in my current office, and maybe I am not ready yet to get promoted. I remember my idealistic words that I said many years ago that I will work wholeheartedly wherever I am placed, do my best, and the rests will follow.

I also think maybe this is the best journey I should walk through. Who knows I would get a better life in the future. And maybe, this is the best thing for me right now. Imagine that I have to live far from home and far away from the mental health facilities if I got promoted, I don't think I am ready for that at the moment, right?

Anyway, I would say congratulations to my friends, and I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavours.

Advancement

 Surabaya, 19 September 2023

I can't sleep tonight. There is something bothering my mind. How can I feel the pain when I see others succeed with their life while I don't? I feel like my life has ended and I have no future anymore. 

So today at the office, we got a big news that many of my friends got promoted to a higher level of position, while I didn't. What makes me so disappointed is that I was the first person in our year that took master's degree but I did not get promoted yet. Meanwhile my friends who took master's degree after me got promoted. I didn't envy to their promotion, I am happy for them, but I am disappointed with myself. At least, I should have been among them too.

I think I know the reason why it goes this way. In 2018, right after I finished my master's study, I was appointed to work as a staff of an expert staff of the Minister of Finance. However, along the way, I was stressed with the pressure of works given by the expert staff. Until late 2019, I could not bear it anymore that I ran away from the office and never returned. I became very sensitive and had an anger issue. November 2019 was my worst condition that I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Having bipolar disorder, I have to see my psychiatrist regularly at least once in a month to maintain my mood and to get medicines. 

Since then, I was transferred to work in a low-pace unit. Then, in 2021, I was transferred to Surabaya for a new position as an Account Representative. My work performance was also declining to the bottom rank. I had a bad reputation already in my workplace, from running away from the office, to speaking up about LGBT issues. Moreover, who wants to be led by a homosexual and an atheist like me in this identity-political society? Now, considering all those circumstances, how would someone recommend me to be promoted to a higher level of position?  In addition, I need to see a psychiatrist that may not be available in remote area where I might be placed if I got promoted.

The thoughts do not stop until there. I still have a dream to take PhD, whether or not I get a promotion. However, I don't know how to get there, and no one here to teach me. I took a wrong way by taking master by taught without research element in it. Now, I don't have any experience to do a research. Consequently, I don't have any thesis supervisor who can give me a recommendation letter to apply PhD. Another obstacle is that I also made a mistake in my financial decision that I am in a huge debt to buy a house and a car. I don't think I could afford PhD even though I got a scholarship.

It hurts to know that my colleagues are moving forwards while I am stuck here. I feel like I have no future anymore. I have ruined my career path and my study path as well. Everything has ended. I live my life like a zombie.

Does LGBT spread HIV?

 Surabaya, 7 December 2022

Source https://www.instagram.com/p/Cl2_guHPtZq/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

LGBT people are still strongly stigmatised in Indonesia as the main cause of HIV spread. But this is so misleading.

The main reason of HIV spread is unsafe sex, whether it is done by homosexual person or by heterosexual person.

In fact in many developed countries that have legalised same-sex marriage, the number of HIV case in LGBT people is declining as they are aware of safe sex behaviour.

HIV is actually no longer being as a death sentence, as the people with HIV can live longer and normally by consuming ARV regularly. They can even have a baby without spreading the virus to their partner or to their baby. And the partner can protect themselves by consuming PrEP.

But still, in Indonesia, HIV is still stigmatised as a dirty disease that only infects "sinful" people. Oh, c'mon my country...!

the God that is called science and technology

 Surabaya, 25 September 2022

Today, I was thinking that all of our thoughts in our brain are just products of chemical reactions inside our brain. And those thoughts can be manipulated by certain medicines. 

For example, I have consumed aripiprazole for three years and it does help my mood in control. What I feel is that as if there is something that holds my mood flat. I also feel that my brain is not as active as usual like I am no longer having random thoughts that changing rapidly in my brain. I feel that I am now thinking slowly and become dumb (or in Indonesian term it's called "lemot").

However, skipping to consume aripiprazole is very dangerous to me and can be lethal. I have skipped consuming this drug for a certain of time twice and those result in bad situations. The first time I skipped aripiprazole and sertraline HCL all together is when I was accidentally throwing those pills into trash can and lost them, and it results in a situation that I became sensitive, irritated, and depressed at the same time. And the second time I skipped aripiprazole is when the dosage was already small (2,5 mg a day) and I thought stop consuming it for couple days won't be a problem, but I was wrong. I became manic for couple weeks but all of the sudden I flipped into a deep depression that I really wanted to die. I attempted to kill myself and what I believed at that time death is the right way for me, that nobody can convince me that my life is precious. What has changed my thought and help me thinking straight is aripiprazole. The dosage was increased to 10 mg a day. I was hospitalised for a week and I was surprised how drugs can change the way I am thinking.

I complained to my doctor that the side effect of aripiprazole makes me thinking slowly, and the doctor then prescribed me a drug called trihexyphenidyl to lift my mood up, but he said he will see how it will affect me whether or not I'll become sensitive again. But after three months passed by, I didn't realise that I became manic again, like I spent all of my savings to people that I didn't even know them well, I became impulsive, and I dare to express my feelings straightforwardly and I didn't care about the consequences.

My mood became unstable, so the doctor prescribed another drug called divalproex sodium (or mostly know as Depakote) as a mood stabiliser. 

I was super amazed how drugs can affect the way I think. I thank all scientists, and I am thankful to science and technology. I posted this gratitude on my Instagram story.

However, a friend of mine commented and corrected my post on my Instagram story. She said I also need to express my gratitude to the GOD that has given minds/intelligence to humans. She continued that because of the GOD, scientists can invent drugs to help people with mental health issues like me. I didn't reply her comments. Does it also mean I should thank god for giving me mental illness? I was thinking it is a contradictory that why god creates illnesses but he also creates the cures through scientists. Why doesn't he just erase the illness at the first place? Many people with mental illness don't have access to the medications and end up die miserably. Should I thank god for that situation as well?

Bijak Bermedsos

 Surabaya, 29 July 2022

Today in the office, we had a zoom meeting with the topic of "bijak bermedsos" or "wise in using social media" but in the middle of the meeting, I left because of this:

 

They said we have to avoid giving support to LGBT. I was so disappointed that even government institution is doing discrimination towards LGBT people. LGBT people are seeking safe place, protection and support, as they have been discriminated by society especially by those religious people.

Maybe they will never understand how it feels to grow up as an LGBT person. It's not something we can choose. It just happens naturally, as the heterosexual does. I wish I was not born and raised here, as the discriminations, slanders, and pressures towards LGBT people has made them (also me) frustated and depressed.

I am trying to accept myself, to love myself as I really am. But I grew as a person who never feels enough of validation from others and always hate himself for imperfection. It's all because I wanna prove that I am better than those who discriminate people like me.

I wish they could understand what I feel. This also makes me feel like nobody understands me and makes me sad and angry. 

Tongqi

Malang, 11 December 2021

Tongqi is a new vocab for me, and I am feeling grateful for not being part of it. I almost fell into it. I could not imagine how hurtful it will be in such situation for both the man and the woman. So I would express my apologies to all the girls I've tried to be my "treatment" to "cure" my "abnormalities". Now I believe being what I am now is the best state for me, and for society. And for those who insist tongqi is a solution, you know nothing about it.

Fighting Against My Depression

Jakarta, 18 June 2020

It has been 6 months since I was diagnosed with depression and treated with medications. My emotion has subsided yet I am not feeling any better. I tend to feel down and gloomy. It is so difficult to stand up again. I am not like I used to be, who was always optimistic and diligent. I have lost myself.

First, I have made mistakes in relationship. Just because I couldn't be with the guy I love, I make relationships with other guys but they couldn't replace him. I am feeling so guilty for hurting them by giving them false hopes. Now I am with a guy whom I don't love but I couldn't just break up. I don't wanna hurt someone's heart anymore although I have to be dead inside in walking through this relationship.

Second, I gain weight quite significantly. Previously, I have successfully lost 32 kg from 86 kg to 54 kg. But since I consumed medicines, my body weight increases quite rapidly. I am now 72 kg and it seems to never go down again despite I have exercised a lot and reduced my meals. I feel all my effort is so useless. All my clothes doesn't fit anymore. I hate myself every time I see my body.

Third, I feel an intense worry about my future study. I really want to continue my study to pursue PhD degree, but I am so lack of confidence. I have made a mistake by impatiently going to the university that I didn't want to go. Now I have to pay all the consequences of my impatience. I don't have much research experience and I don't have someone to discuss and guide me to prepare a good proposal.

Now I feel I am a real looser for falling too deep in regrets and failing to get up again.

Malang, 1 January 2018

Okay, I fully accept that religion can never agree with homosexuality. I don't mind about that. Any religion may believe whatever they think it is true.

But then it cannot be a reason for them to justify their actions to other people merely based on their religion.

They, without they realise, have accused, degraded, slandered, discriminated and opressed other groups of people just because their religion don't like. They made up those accusations just to justify their religion so that they think they have a right to punish others.

Let's say, to them, homosexual is bad, nasty and evil. There is no bargain about that.

Who is More Dangerous?

Malang, 25 January 2018

The most dangerous one is the oppression done by heterosexuals and religions' followers to force homosexuals to live as heterosexuals. Not only creating depression to homosexuals for faking their sexual orientation, but also creating unhealthy social life for homosexuals for living and hiding in the darkness since their sexual life is criminalised. What even more dangerous is when those religious bigots feel they have a right to be their God's representation by punishing homosexuals merely just based on THEIR OWN belief!

And what most disgusting is the hypocrisy done by those religious bigots. They talk and act as if their attitude is the correct one. They judge homosexuals for sexual-orientation misbehave. But they are proundly showing their own lust, marrying many women, having many kids, which lead to subsequent social problems. What makes it disgusting is that they are making excuses for their behavior by hiding themselves under the religion! What a hypocrisy.

They feel proud for marrying their opposite gender and having many kids. They think they have been so devoted to their god. They think they have been better than homosexuals.

While homosexuals are discriminated. Their sexual orientation has been accused guilty at the first place. Not only acussation, they are also judged, oppressed, and not allowed to have their own sexual life. Homosexuals are never getting their god's blessing. Born to be homosexuals are a death sentence if you live in the middle of religuous bigots, at least you'll be dead inside for being forced to live as if you were a heterosexual.

Anyone can live as whatever their belief says. BUT noone can dictate someone else to live just merely based on other's belief.

If you want an argument and deliberation, do it scientifically, based on data and facts, not based on your outdated storytale!

I Wanna Commit to Suicide Now

Malang, 23 January 2018