Easily Triggered

Sydney, 31 March 2017

How can I be very easily triggered even for a small thing that I know it is only a joke? It is like my sanity says "chill man!" but my dark side just controls myself. And when I get deeper and deeper into my stubbornness, I cannot escape, yet at the same time I am aware if it is going wrong, but I just cannot stop myself. At the end, I make a very very bad foolishness and makes me regret for the rest of my life. And that makes me even more depressed and get mad even more easily. It is just like a vicious circle.

Just like what happened today when my friend said "tax is usury (riba) system", after I offered him a help. I knew he was just kidding me with his words. I also knew that he's knowledgeable in this field quite well and didn't need my explanation. At first I could control myself not to say anything. But I just couldn't resist to reply him a sentence. But this eventually led to more and more sentences, till I lost my control of myself. I felt so bad about myself.

Then he said to me, "were you triggered by my words? I was just kidding". The truth is yes, but I was too arrogant to admit it. I am a denial. I replied "I knew you're kidding, hahaha" without saying sorry to him.

So, what makes me triggered is not him personally, nor the words he said. I was triggered with my experiences seeing religious hypocrites judge others in daily life basis. Muslims in Indonesia are so allergic with "riba" and move to sharia banking system. But what I see it is just only a business opportunity, and what they say about "riba" is just a narrow, old definition that does not fit with modern life anymore.

Let's say, Muslims says we are not allowed to ask settlement of debt more than the initial amount (e.g. you lend 1 million dollar money now, you can't ask a settlement more than 1 million cash later). But let's see some scenarios below:

1. Supposed that your friend asked to borrow you 1 million dollar. You didn't have 1 million dollar cash, but you had 1kg of gold equals 1 million dollar at that time. You gave the gold to him. Now, he returns 1 million dollar money to him, but you ask 1kg of gold instead of money, since the gold now is worth 1.5 million dollar. 1 million dollar is not enough to return your gold. But your friend says to you if you are doing riba practice. But you accuse your friend if he has enjoyed the profit of your gold investment.
2. Your friend needed a house to live but he didn't have any money. You bought a 1 million dollar house for him but he had to pay to you when he has money. Now he has money and he pays you 1 million dollar. However, all you ask is not 1 million dollar money, but a similar property which is now worth 1.5 million dollar.
3. You had 1 million dollar idle cash and you planned to open a small business. You predicted, if you just keep the money in a box, the value of your money will be eroded by the rising commodity price. but if you invest it in a small business, you will get profit at least at the same increase of the price. But your friend came to you and borrowed all your money for establishing a restaurant business. At the end of the year, he got 50% profit. He return exactly 1 million dollar of your money, but you lost all your opportunity. Even worse, your money now is worth less than last year since all the commodity price is now more expensive.

From those cases, I see that returning an exact amount of money while the value of money has decreased by inflation is a sly sneaky scheme. Thus, there is no one willing to get loss on their value of money. Even sharia banking system offers a profit sharing scheme just like conventional banking system offers. But sharia claims they use a clear akad (contract) of the profit sharing scheme. Believe it or not, the calculation of sharia profit sharing scheme is just the same as conventional one!

Now if sharia claims they use a clear akad for the profit sharing scheme, isn't it the same thing with conventional banking system? We know the bank functions as a bridge of gap between the fund owners and fund seekers. We consent when we put our money in the bank, our money will be transferred to debtors, with a stated profit sharing which is deposit interest vs loan interest. Isn't the akad very clear, and substantially no difference with sharia?

I am sorry if my logic is too shallow for this business. But what I see here is an example of religious ignorance in life, hypocrisy and denial. It gets even worse when they unilaterally claim they have a better system and judge others as sinners. Where the hell is their modesty?

I am so sorry if I am like discrediting my own religion. That is just because I feel enough with my past experiences of being judged by my own religion and my society. Despite I have been a good and sincere boy, I will always be wrong in their perspectives, And so, despite you are a religious hypocrites or womaniser morons, the society will never shame you. 

I have enough of being bullied and keep my depression by myself. I always hide myself and pretend to be someone else to fit in the society. Yet my heart questions everything I feel not right. I become more and more cold and losing my sense of humor. I become easily triggered. I become so emotional. I see all the thing in my life as a serious thing. I am so tired of it.

Reality vs Illusory

Sydney, 28 March 2017

I just read a friend's post on my Facebook timeline which is very interesting for me. And I would say the post really represents my perspective. Here I copy and paste what he wrote:

---

"Bij één van onze lieveheersbeestjes zijn neten/luizen gevonden. Wilt u de komende tijd de haren van uw kind extra controleren en eventueel behandelen, zodat we verdere verspreiding kunnen voorkomen?"

Selain serius mendidik, wali kelas Kala di Lucas van Leyden juga giat memerhatikan kesehatan kepala para muridnya. Mereka dengan cekatan mengirimi pesan kepada para orang tua saat ada murid yang gégétrét, dus dicurigai berkutu. Dulu waktu di Girimekar, guru Kala lebih mementingkan hapalan ratusan doa daripada perkara penting di atas.

Perlu diketahui, kutu kebal akan doa.

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That's it. I know that most of the people in Indonesia are only concern about physical prayers in religion, but they never get real in life. Probably, they are only obsessed with the life after death. But what I see is a contradiction between what they say and what they do, which eventually makes them hypocrites. This is only a very simple invisible example of what happen in life.

Even worse, they judge and blame other people as sinners who deserve a death penalty just because other people don't have the same faith with them or have a complete opposite belief with them. They are afraid their life, their belief, and their life after death are being threatened by those people. What a perfect hypocrisy. And I feel enough for that.

Talking in The Class During Lecture

Sydney, 28 March 2017

I don't understand why some people in here cannot stop talking in the class when the teacher is giving the lecture, even after the teacher requests them to stop talking. That is so rude! I know this fact since last semester, but this semester the situation remains the same. From my observation, mostly they are Asian students either from China or India. I didn't mean to be racist since I am Asian myself. Or maybe, because Chinese and Indian are majority in the world's population, thus a small part of them (which is actually not representing a whole population) seems to be big enough to create a stereotype. However, I have some good Chinese and Indian friends who are really really good mannered.

Beside talking in the class, they quite often ignore the instruction given by the teacher, for example, when the teacher asks them not to use the printer inside the class because the lecture is ongoing but they just keep printing, or when the teacher requests the guests to leave the class because no more space is available but they keep staying in the class. For the last example, the teacher even need to use the attendance sheet to see the people who are not supposed to be in the class. Even worse, some of them come back into the class again after being kicked out. It shows how immature they are.

And also, I think Australians are too soft, too nice, or to kind to warn those rebels. If the situation happens in my country, I believe so many swearing words come out from the teacher's mouth and those rebels will literally be ashamed in the public. Yeah, Aussies are too kind.

Am I crazy?

Sydney, 27 March 2017

Why does it happen so many times to me?

So I was in a bathroom, having shower, and thinking about an exciting moment I just had. I just came back from a group discussion for our business competition. I was so happy since I could make a good progress about the data analysis and give essential contributions for the team. The feeling lingered in my brain when I was in bathroom. I thought out loud, talked to myself, made a monologue, till I forgot if I was actually having a shower. What I remembered later is I stood in front of the mirror and dried my body with towel, but I totally forgot whether I had washed my body with soap or not. 

This is not my first time being in this situation. Even the worst, couple times, I haven't rinsed my hair after shampooing and I just realised it when I was about to put on my clothes. It happens so many times when I am overthinking about something. 

I always feel extremely excited or extremely worried about something and just can't get rid the thought from my brain, even when I try to focus on something else. When I am overthinking about something, often I lose my self-awareness. Quite often, I talked to myself till I forget if I am actually only thinking about something and I talk out loud in public area like a crazy guy. Quite often, my friends catch me talking to myself, or quite often I suddenly swear some bad words out loud unconsciously because I am thinking a bad memory that I really want to forget.

Am I crazy?

Make friends

Sydney, 14 March 2017

Sometimes, as the only non-Chinese student in the class, I often feel my classmates are reluctant to sit near stranger like me. For example, when I was sitting with my Chinese friend that I know her from last semester, suddenly another Chinese student (which I am not acquaintance with) asked to sit between me and my Chinese friend, as if I wasn't there. That's so rude!

However, in the class, I always try to be an active student by responding to the teacher's questions. Thus here, I am 

Honestly, what I feel during the class is chinese are reluctant to sit near to me

Accounting Information System class

As an active person in class,, since I have studies the materials

the food are good

i was not an open person

i am  pushed to be

Perfection is the disease of the nation

Sydney, 16 March 2017

I studies a whole day and night

lots of reading this semester

class activity, marked

the fact that I alwasy got compliment from my teacher

it is hard to accept dissapointment

I always blame myself

I always say "I hate myself" unconsciously

I sometimes swear to myself out loud unconsciously when I overthink about it.

they are quiet but keep their secreet if there actually so good. are they modest?

I replied the message

Sydney, 9 March 2017

I just got another message from my another half-sister telling me about my father's last condition. I guess they kept sending me the messages since I never replied them. This time she said my father's health condition is worsening. He had gotten surgery twice because after the first one the doctor found a blood clot inside his surgical wound. She said he is weakening despite the surgeries went successful. He couldn't wake up from the bed and he only could do all his activities on it, like for eating or cleaning himself. My sister said she ran out of money to take care of him. She said this may be his karma since none of his children wants to take care of him. She asked me to forgive him, and asked me whether I can give a financial support or at least a prayer for him.

Previously, I never replied their message not because I didn't forgive him. I didn't reply because I am respecting my mom's feeling. I know how hurt it is for her. I can remember all the memories of my mom's effort to raise us by only herself. I remember all very vividly in my brain. I remember when I slept on a piece of newspaper on the floor beside her when she made some donuts to be sold in small food canteens. I remember when she took care of us every morning and when she went home very late every night after working as a servant in our relative's canteen. I remember when we could not afford a text book and she wrote the book for me so I could study. I remember her last tears when she fought with my father. We had been through it all and even we forgot how it feels, until he came back again in our live and reopen the wound.

Then, today, I decided to reply my sister's message. I told her that I have forgiven him since so long time ago. I remember the last time I met him was about four or five years ago when I visited my uncle's house in Jakarta. At that time, I held my father's hand and kissed his hand just like what the children do to their parents. I took him to a restaurant to have a lunch before we walked together to my uncle's house. I never told this story to my mom. I guess I have forgiven him, but I can never forget what has happened with my family. I wish I could forgive him to fix everything, but it never can do.

The feeling that I have for him is the mix of missing, hating, compassion, and sick. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him for having nothing and living a poor life. I am not sure whether or not he really loves me. I know he always tried to find me at least once a year after we separated. I am amazed with his ability to successfully find me even though I never told him where I lived (p.s. I moved from one to other cities regularly for my study and job). But is that enough to show his love? Is that all he can do? I mean he is a man; he should do better than what my mom has done for her kids. I don't ask anything to him, since I know he can give me nothing to support our life. Instead of travelling around and begging for a place to live, he'd better to take care of himself and improve his life better.

He never changed. All he had in his mind was only about religion. He always told me to pray punctually and not to skip it. I remember when I was a kid, he never allowed me to play outside before I recite the holy Quran, otherwise, he would undoubtedly whip me with a broom. He always brought me to a mushola in our neighbourhood and asked me to carry an adzan while he would take the position as imam of the prayer. He always took me with him to his Quran recitation organisation in the town. He ordered my mom and all my sisters to cover their head with veil whenever they went out. But he didn't have any vision to improve our family's life better. I remember when he said to my mom that he wanted to send me to Islamic boarding school, and the fact that all his daughters from his another wife are matched and married just right after they finished their high school (while my mom send us to college so we can live well and independently). He never got realistic about the life; he was so obsessed with the life after death only. I think that is the problem of most of Muslims.

My childhood memory, along with all the facts and reality I witnessed when I grew up have made me lose my faith to the values of the religion that my father and the society had planted in my brain. I saw how those values fell apart and no longer relevant with the life. To me, they look outdated and full of contradiction (I'll probably write more about this in another post). My life has shown me another perspective of life which religion always denies. Now I see this world is filled with hypocrites.

Thus, I don't believe in karma, destiny, fate or whatever it is mentioned by my half-sister on her message. I believe what we have today is the consequence of our decision in the past. People learn the knowledge and technology to understand how the nature works. We are improving our life quality and expecting a longer life. An epidemic was considered as a God's condemnation now we can make its antidote. We are deciding our own future ourselves. Are we playing God now? Many Muslims in Indonesia are forced not to question too much, nor to think too far, but how can they have a faith if there is still a doubtfulness in their heart. They keep denying it for the entire of their life. It is also hard for them to accept the changes or new ideas. Maybe this is the reason why Muslims are now left behind. This is also what happens to my father. He accepts the situation as a God's plan, while actually he always has a choice to choose in life of what he wants to be.

To me? I do not regret with what I have been through in my life. Everyone must dream a perfect life, but if had a different life, I probably could never understand how it feels to be the people like me.

And another thing, as an Indonesian, who lives in Indonesia, who works for Indonesian government, and who gets scholarship from Indonesian government, I have been asked to be devout to the god. But again, anyone can force anyone else to have a religion, but can never force a belief in someone's heart.

The General Rules of English Structure

Sydney, 8 March 2017

A very special friend of mine asked me for a help in preparing himself for sitting in a TOEFL test. He said he got difficulties in solving the structure problem. I found that he was unable to break down a sentence into its elements. So I taught him the basic structure of a sentence, which is tenses. I drew a 4 x 4 grid of 16 English tenses plus the passive version for him. 

I have learned English since I was in 4th grade of elementary school. Along the way, I got an understanding of the logic of the English sentences. I guess, I am able to summarise them into the following order:

I also sent this summary to him in hoping that he can have a better understanding in fragmenting an English sentence into its elements. And I am also wishing he can pass the TOEFL with a very well result. 

Victoria Park

Sydney, 6 March 2017

That morning, I woke up with the feeling blue. I remembered I saw lots of happy faces and happy couples in Mardi Gras parade. I was so happy to see them but I felt lonely at the same time knowing that I didn't have someone to love. Then I unlocked my screen phone and read some messages from my half-sister telling me the health condition of my father. I didn't reply her previous messages and neither did I for this time. I know forgiving is the key to happiness but this is just too complicated (I will write about it later on my blog).

So, on that day I drowned myself into the campus-life. I went to my first class on that semester and felt excited to have a brand new beginning of student-life. I went to library to borrow some books. I didn't buy any book to save my expenditure, instead, I used the old version of the book available in library. I passed through the Victoria Park and I saw many people sitting down on the grass under the trees and enjoying the breeze. It was so peaceful. I came across the park but I felt even more lonely.

I felt so bad when I complained about my life. I had a gorgeous life which others may never have. I was thinking about my Mom that she never begs for a man's love nor sheds a tear. I guess she is strong because she loves her children so much. Then why am I complaining for being in this state?

Happy 30

Sydney, 4 March 2017

Ok that date line is misleading. I'm writing it now on 6 March 2017. But, I have been planning to write this since 4 March 2017. What's special on that date???

yes, u might answer it right. it was Sydney Mardi Gras Gay and Lesbian Parade. I don't know much about the history of the celebration (well, u can google it), but let's pretend the festival was held by Sydneysiders (and visitors from all over the world) to celebrate the birthday of Mr. Mard(h)i.

And it was not an ordinary birthday for Mr. Mard(h)i. He turned 30 years old on that date. 30 is a psychological milestone from youth (20s) to mature (40s). While he has learned a lot in his 20s, this decade shall make him a more settled person.

Well, that person is actually me (yippie...), thus I have promised to myself, since that day, I will...

1. be happy. I will make myself happy with my own choices and I will not let anyone control my life. I want to live as who I really am. I don't want to live someone else's life.
2. not care with people's prejudices and judgments. I don't care if people see me as a bad boy or a sinner, as I don't care with their businesses.
3. be less and less emotional and have more and more sense of joke. I must be able to control my anger and respond to the problem lightly.
4. prove that I am a good person no matter what I am. I will work hard for my contribution to the world and show the world what really matter is my personality, not my attributes.
5. forgive myself and forgive others. I shouldn't have a hard feeling but just let it go.
6. keep writing all my ideas and share my days every day in this blog, lol.

It is just like the spirit of the Mardi Gras. People are sharing the joy and supporting each other no matter who you are or what you are. People out there are still judging others based on their race, ethnicity, religion, belief, sexual orientation, nationality, appearance, etc, etc. But the fact, all those attributes you have in you do not make yourself a bad or good person; your attitude towards others does. Religious people, democratic people or anyone may claim their sets of ethics are the best in ruling the society, but in the reality, they could be even uncivilised by judging, hating, and attacking towards different groups of people. 

***

Also, on that day, my mom sent me a text message on whatsapp. She said "As you grow older, I am wishing you a maturity in living your life". My mom's words intrigued me whether I was actually a naive person. Lastly, this post shall be a reminder for me in the future of what I want to be.