Easily Triggered

Sydney, 31 March 2017

How can I be very easily triggered even for a small thing that I know it is only a joke? It is like my sanity says "chill man!" but my dark side just controls myself. And when I get deeper and deeper into my stubbornness, I cannot escape, yet at the same time I am aware if it is going wrong, but I just cannot stop myself. At the end, I make a very very bad foolishness and makes me regret for the rest of my life. And that makes me even more depressed and get mad even more easily. It is just like a vicious circle.

Just like what happened today when my friend said "tax is usury (riba) system", after I offered him a help. I knew he was just kidding me with his words. I also knew that he's knowledgeable in this field quite well and didn't need my explanation. At first I could control myself not to say anything. But I just couldn't resist to reply him a sentence. But this eventually led to more and more sentences, till I lost my control of myself. I felt so bad about myself.

Then he said to me, "were you triggered by my words? I was just kidding". The truth is yes, but I was too arrogant to admit it. I am a denial. I replied "I knew you're kidding, hahaha" without saying sorry to him.

So, what makes me triggered is not him personally, nor the words he said. I was triggered with my experiences seeing religious hypocrites judge others in daily life basis. Muslims in Indonesia are so allergic with "riba" and move to sharia banking system. But what I see it is just only a business opportunity, and what they say about "riba" is just a narrow, old definition that does not fit with modern life anymore.

Let's say, Muslims says we are not allowed to ask settlement of debt more than the initial amount (e.g. you lend 1 million dollar money now, you can't ask a settlement more than 1 million cash later). But let's see some scenarios below:

1. Supposed that your friend asked to borrow you 1 million dollar. You didn't have 1 million dollar cash, but you had 1kg of gold equals 1 million dollar at that time. You gave the gold to him. Now, he returns 1 million dollar money to him, but you ask 1kg of gold instead of money, since the gold now is worth 1.5 million dollar. 1 million dollar is not enough to return your gold. But your friend says to you if you are doing riba practice. But you accuse your friend if he has enjoyed the profit of your gold investment.
2. Your friend needed a house to live but he didn't have any money. You bought a 1 million dollar house for him but he had to pay to you when he has money. Now he has money and he pays you 1 million dollar. However, all you ask is not 1 million dollar money, but a similar property which is now worth 1.5 million dollar.
3. You had 1 million dollar idle cash and you planned to open a small business. You predicted, if you just keep the money in a box, the value of your money will be eroded by the rising commodity price. but if you invest it in a small business, you will get profit at least at the same increase of the price. But your friend came to you and borrowed all your money for establishing a restaurant business. At the end of the year, he got 50% profit. He return exactly 1 million dollar of your money, but you lost all your opportunity. Even worse, your money now is worth less than last year since all the commodity price is now more expensive.

From those cases, I see that returning an exact amount of money while the value of money has decreased by inflation is a sly sneaky scheme. Thus, there is no one willing to get loss on their value of money. Even sharia banking system offers a profit sharing scheme just like conventional banking system offers. But sharia claims they use a clear akad (contract) of the profit sharing scheme. Believe it or not, the calculation of sharia profit sharing scheme is just the same as conventional one!

Now if sharia claims they use a clear akad for the profit sharing scheme, isn't it the same thing with conventional banking system? We know the bank functions as a bridge of gap between the fund owners and fund seekers. We consent when we put our money in the bank, our money will be transferred to debtors, with a stated profit sharing which is deposit interest vs loan interest. Isn't the akad very clear, and substantially no difference with sharia?

I am sorry if my logic is too shallow for this business. But what I see here is an example of religious ignorance in life, hypocrisy and denial. It gets even worse when they unilaterally claim they have a better system and judge others as sinners. Where the hell is their modesty?

I am so sorry if I am like discrediting my own religion. That is just because I feel enough with my past experiences of being judged by my own religion and my society. Despite I have been a good and sincere boy, I will always be wrong in their perspectives, And so, despite you are a religious hypocrites or womaniser morons, the society will never shame you. 

I have enough of being bullied and keep my depression by myself. I always hide myself and pretend to be someone else to fit in the society. Yet my heart questions everything I feel not right. I become more and more cold and losing my sense of humor. I become easily triggered. I become so emotional. I see all the thing in my life as a serious thing. I am so tired of it.