People are hyped with the wedding of Hamish and Raisa, two famous Indonesian celebrities. However, to me, attending friend's wedding is sometimes not an enjoyable moment. Not only was I depressed by my own thought whether or not I could marry a woman someday to meet society's expectation (that was thought before I decided to live as who I am now), but also I was annoyed by the question of "when are you getting married?" by other people. It is as if marriage is the ultimate goal in life for them and it seems like I am a useless person for the entire of my life if I am not married.
Another reason is that I don't believe to the sacred value of marriage anymore. Marriage, for some people, is only regarded as a "halal" way to get sex. Nothing is more beyond that. And what makes it more disgusting is that the "dirty mind for lust" is camouflaged with the religious verses. They married more than one women in the name of religion, or support the idea of it, but they feel disgusted to gay marriage also in the name of religion. For me, they are so hypocritical and super disgusting.
I still have traumatic feeling, not only because of the pressure from the society, but also because of what has happened in my family. My father married two women and still told us what the religious moral is, but at the end, what he can do is just telling us the verses from Quran but never gets real to our life. His kids won't grow bigger just listening to his religious words. Later on, I was so hurt by my sisters' weddings where I felt disregarded and defeated by religious hypocrisies.
My elder sister was close to a man (which later becomes her second husband). I actually didn't like their attitude when they were dating, while sometimes my sister showed her disgust to gay people. That was another hypocrisy. She didn't tell me that she was going to get married even until the wedding date, despite they needed me in wedding ceremony as the only man in the family. What I was told is that I should go back home by 3 pm but they didn't tell me anything what was going on. My heart was broken into pieces at that day. I knew their plan. I didn't come back home on time. I was planning not to go home, but I knew that I would make the situation even worse if I did that. I came back home at 5 pm where all the people had waited for me for two hours. I cried in my room afterwards.
The same traumatic memory was apparently repeated by my youngest sister. She never listened to what I said. I said not to make a phone call to her boyfriend after midnight, I said to her to prioritise her study, I said everything what my momma said, I said it as an older brother to his youngest sister. I said it because I want her to have a dignity as a woman, because I want to protect her. She just got blinded by her love. Yet she sometimes mocked me by questioning whether I am a real man since I never had a girlfriend. On her wedding date, I felt so deceived since they needed my father (a person who has abandoned us for more than 20 years) instead to marry her. I felt worthless for them. I felt so deceived in life. I was so sick and hate of this rule of religion which is so hypocritical. I felt not accepted in the society, even in my own family.
Now my sisters are getting married and having a happy family. They have a settle life and love. I am so happy for their marriage life. However, every time I remember the moment of their marriages, I still cry. Wedding moment should bring a joy but not for me. When people talk about marriage, it can be a very sensitive topic for me.
