One of my friends asked me what if my mom knows me and what she is gonna do? I never think about this. I think I'm just gonna let it be. I really am afraid to disappoint my mom. Maybe, she already knows it. I believe a mother knows her children better than anyone else. But my mom never ask me about my sexuality. In fact, she is always on my side and protects me whenever other people judge me like "why aren't you manly like other man?", "why don't you grow leg hair?", or "why don't you have a girlfriend?, I'm afraid you are not attracted to girls, I'm afraid you are gay.". What makes worse from those judgments is those questions were also asked by my own sisters.
I never know why I am like this. Since I was kid, people always judged me like "your little sister is more manly than you!". Then, I also realise that I don't have a prominent adam's apple. I grew leg hair very very late, that one of my sisters always teased me that my legs are like a girl's. What makes me so sick about it is that they are so hypocritical. They judge my sexuality but they didn't pay attention to be a good kid. They never listened to what my mom and I said, like to prioritise their study over their dates. But now, I can prove them that what I did to be a good, obedient boy pays off. Now I can help my sisters to solve their financial problems and for me this is the sweetest revenge.
I never know why I am never be able to sexually attracted to opposite gender. I was asking how and where those straights learned it. If they have a class of it, I would definitely join the class. Who wants to choose the life of being discriminated and disappointment? Mockery to people like me is not funny. It hurts so much. I have broken my hearts so many times just to try so hard to fit in the society.
