Malang, 25 December 2017
In my attempt to "cure" my homosexuality, I have asked few girls to be my girlfriend, or faked my love to them. I have written this story in my previous post here.
Now, I have decided to accept myself as it is after all of my attempts failed and broke so many hearts. I just don't wanna hurt my heart and other people's heart anymore. It does really hurt.
Then, what if the girls whom I approached or who was my girlfriends finally know that I am a gay or they know I was lying about my feeling to them?
This is something that haunts me since so long. I always feel guilty whenever I "lied" to them. It does really break my heart. It makes me traumatised.
I wished there was a girl who honestly loves me, and fully accepts me as I am, who was devoted enough to teach me how to love a woman. But do you think that such girl does even exist?
So, If they get angry after reading this post or reading my blog, I will accept it since I really was guilty and I deserve it.
But, I become like this now also because of them. If only they never left me. If only they could "cure" me. But again, do I really deserve to beg such this condition?
I know, me, homosexuals are destined to be judged guilty by straights, whether we "fake (make up)" the love to a woman or we honest to ourselves not to love (a.k.a not to lie to)" a woman. We are god's spoiled products. I just can't believe god can make mistake by creating defective products. Straights are perfectly flawless god's creations, thus they can judge us anytime they want.
I know, me, homosexuals are destined to be judged guilty by straights, whether we "fake (make up)" the love to a woman or we honest to ourselves not to love (a.k.a not to lie to)" a woman. We are god's spoiled products. I just can't believe god can make mistake by creating defective products. Straights are perfectly flawless god's creations, thus they can judge us anytime they want.
