Sydney, 19 April 2017
Lately, I was thinking too much about my life. Like this morning, a thought crossed my mind how I want to tell the world what makes me becoming a vengeful and depressed person. This afternoon, when I was about to write a story about my trip I just had last weekend, I ended up in a YouTube video which makes me super sad and reminds me about my gloomiest side of my life that I have never revealed to others. Here is the video:
I love to watch Sacha Stevenson YouTube channel because she is so interesting person. Here, I also learn the non-Indonesian's honest perspective about Indonesia.
Ok, back to the topic. Ever since I knew I grew up differently with other boys, I kept denying my identity and blaming myself. I looked for the help from the god and I dated some girls. I also tried to mingle with some bad boys just to get their perspective how to be a real man (in society's perspective).
Shortly, it eventually made me even depressed. I have been a good boy, nice boy, a studious boy, and an obedient boy. I listened to all my mom's and teachers' words. I didn't breach any rules. But I had to hide my tears when people around me put their stigma and prejudice towards people like me. They just don't know if their prejudice is unreasonable but influenced by their religion. What makes it worse is that the fact that those people are all hypocrites.
They said being a religious person is good while homosexuals are all sinners, but I saw so many Muslim men are womaniser by having two, three or four wives in the name of religion. In fact, they did it just to fulfill their lusts. Substantially, there's no difference between them and sluts. Moreover, I saw how Muslim men put their position as superior over women, and women are nothing but to blame and be controlled by men, in order to get god's heaven. To me, men or women, all are human that have the same opportunity of what they want to be for their life. I don't believe in sexism at all. All Islam values are totally irrelevant to my life experience. Well they can argue all their theories by referring to Quran, but we are living in reality, not on a story book written in sixth century.
Straight people also feel disgusted with us because the say we love the wrong gender. Well, the fact is there are even more disgusting straight couples everywhere I can find along the way. Men who claim themselves as "real men" are often very nasty and creepy by teasing, cat-calling and disrespecting women. The proudly promote sexual harassment to women as a normal men's behaviour. While straight couples who are drowned and drunk in love are often disgusting by showing their romance excessively in public and sometimes they are too far and inappropriate. Young lovers quite often prioritise their love story over other responsibilities. Even my own sisters couldn't think rationally when they are in love, no matter how many times I told them what to do and what not to do, like you should have prioritised you study over your date, or you shouldn't come home late, or it is inappropriate make a call after midnight to your boyfriend. None of my words were heard.
Despite their poor attitudes, Muslims and straights always claim they are the rightest person on earth and they deserve to judge and punish other people. Am I a bad person? Does being gay make me a bad guy? Have I done something wrong to them for real? What do you blame on me? It is so irrational. However, I shouldn't expect any logic reasoning in religion. I just can't believe my own religion promotes hatred towards homosexuals, and all straight people see it as their advantage to mock us.
I used to look for a shelter from my God, but how can I feel safe and be loved when He actually curbs me with His punishment? It's not a love, it's not a protection, it is a restraint. He's the source of my disappointment, then how can I worship Him? Later, I questioned more and more things in life and how the Quran is no longer relevant with today's life. I never got satisfied with the answers from people. All their answers just refer back to Quran, which is actually a circular reasoning paradox. I used to deny from having doubtfulness in my own religion, but now I am freeing my self from my religion's prison.
I also used to deny my sexual orientation. I blamed myself a lot. I tried so hard to fit in the society. I dated some girls in hoping I could be "normal" as what people want. I lied my heart, I lied my women, and I lied people around me. It hurts so much! I could never get my own love. I was also haunted by the guilt of lying a love to my women. I cannot forgive myself for giving them a fake love. There is no woman in this world who is voluntarily willing to be my subject of learning to be a straight man. No one! I kept denying myself until I am tired. I tried relentlessly although I know it is just another broken heart for us. I love them, I love women, I adore their beauty and personality, I feel comfortable when I am beside them, but I definitely know it's not a sexual attraction. I don't have any sexual desire to them no matter how hard I try. I often cry in silent to know that I am different. How long can I pretend, how long can I lie, and how long can I fake myself?
People around me always ask why I am not getting married yet. Even a friend of mine sarcastically said to me if there is a hadith says the worst deceased is he who is still single when he dies. I always felt uneasy with marriage question, but now, I am gonna say "fuck you with your life!". I can just rudely answer, "you married because you just want to have sex with your girl; you cannot control your lust, or your dick easily turns on because you have dirty minds!". It as if marriage is the ultimate happiness and the highest achievement of a person. Some people got married and eventually create a burden for themselves, for their family, or even for the country. While I am single but I can still support my mom's and all my sisters' financial problem. I don't be a burden for them. I can expand my capabilities without having any obstacle related to family-role limitation. See, I can contribute something useful for my surroundings too, even better than them.
I remember when we were very young, my mom always said to us, "do not get married before you have a settle life". Our family has had enough living in poverty. My mom just does not want all her kids to live in the same misery ever again. I keep her words in my mind until now, but not with my sisters. I know they are disgusted to gays and sometimes mocking them. They are proud of their straight love story, but now I can just smirk to their life after marriage. My best revenge is when they still need my help to solve their problem after all. Although I realise no one knows someone's future, but at least we can spare to the worst scenario. I feel like I am living in the world full of hypocrisy.
I know that even I explain this thing repeatedly and excessively, they will never understand, because they never be me. They choose their logic to be imprisoned in the threat of religion. I was so disappointed but now I don't listen to what they say. I do not need them to understand me. I am gonna make them see if I am worth to live and to be loved. I am going to be real me, to be a good and nice boy.
Ok, back to the topic. Ever since I knew I grew up differently with other boys, I kept denying my identity and blaming myself. I looked for the help from the god and I dated some girls. I also tried to mingle with some bad boys just to get their perspective how to be a real man (in society's perspective).
Shortly, it eventually made me even depressed. I have been a good boy, nice boy, a studious boy, and an obedient boy. I listened to all my mom's and teachers' words. I didn't breach any rules. But I had to hide my tears when people around me put their stigma and prejudice towards people like me. They just don't know if their prejudice is unreasonable but influenced by their religion. What makes it worse is that the fact that those people are all hypocrites.
They said being a religious person is good while homosexuals are all sinners, but I saw so many Muslim men are womaniser by having two, three or four wives in the name of religion. In fact, they did it just to fulfill their lusts. Substantially, there's no difference between them and sluts. Moreover, I saw how Muslim men put their position as superior over women, and women are nothing but to blame and be controlled by men, in order to get god's heaven. To me, men or women, all are human that have the same opportunity of what they want to be for their life. I don't believe in sexism at all. All Islam values are totally irrelevant to my life experience. Well they can argue all their theories by referring to Quran, but we are living in reality, not on a story book written in sixth century.
Straight people also feel disgusted with us because the say we love the wrong gender. Well, the fact is there are even more disgusting straight couples everywhere I can find along the way. Men who claim themselves as "real men" are often very nasty and creepy by teasing, cat-calling and disrespecting women. The proudly promote sexual harassment to women as a normal men's behaviour. While straight couples who are drowned and drunk in love are often disgusting by showing their romance excessively in public and sometimes they are too far and inappropriate. Young lovers quite often prioritise their love story over other responsibilities. Even my own sisters couldn't think rationally when they are in love, no matter how many times I told them what to do and what not to do, like you should have prioritised you study over your date, or you shouldn't come home late, or it is inappropriate make a call after midnight to your boyfriend. None of my words were heard.
Despite their poor attitudes, Muslims and straights always claim they are the rightest person on earth and they deserve to judge and punish other people. Am I a bad person? Does being gay make me a bad guy? Have I done something wrong to them for real? What do you blame on me? It is so irrational. However, I shouldn't expect any logic reasoning in religion. I just can't believe my own religion promotes hatred towards homosexuals, and all straight people see it as their advantage to mock us.
I used to look for a shelter from my God, but how can I feel safe and be loved when He actually curbs me with His punishment? It's not a love, it's not a protection, it is a restraint. He's the source of my disappointment, then how can I worship Him? Later, I questioned more and more things in life and how the Quran is no longer relevant with today's life. I never got satisfied with the answers from people. All their answers just refer back to Quran, which is actually a circular reasoning paradox. I used to deny from having doubtfulness in my own religion, but now I am freeing my self from my religion's prison.
I also used to deny my sexual orientation. I blamed myself a lot. I tried so hard to fit in the society. I dated some girls in hoping I could be "normal" as what people want. I lied my heart, I lied my women, and I lied people around me. It hurts so much! I could never get my own love. I was also haunted by the guilt of lying a love to my women. I cannot forgive myself for giving them a fake love. There is no woman in this world who is voluntarily willing to be my subject of learning to be a straight man. No one! I kept denying myself until I am tired. I tried relentlessly although I know it is just another broken heart for us. I love them, I love women, I adore their beauty and personality, I feel comfortable when I am beside them, but I definitely know it's not a sexual attraction. I don't have any sexual desire to them no matter how hard I try. I often cry in silent to know that I am different. How long can I pretend, how long can I lie, and how long can I fake myself?
People around me always ask why I am not getting married yet. Even a friend of mine sarcastically said to me if there is a hadith says the worst deceased is he who is still single when he dies. I always felt uneasy with marriage question, but now, I am gonna say "fuck you with your life!". I can just rudely answer, "you married because you just want to have sex with your girl; you cannot control your lust, or your dick easily turns on because you have dirty minds!". It as if marriage is the ultimate happiness and the highest achievement of a person. Some people got married and eventually create a burden for themselves, for their family, or even for the country. While I am single but I can still support my mom's and all my sisters' financial problem. I don't be a burden for them. I can expand my capabilities without having any obstacle related to family-role limitation. See, I can contribute something useful for my surroundings too, even better than them.
I remember when we were very young, my mom always said to us, "do not get married before you have a settle life". Our family has had enough living in poverty. My mom just does not want all her kids to live in the same misery ever again. I keep her words in my mind until now, but not with my sisters. I know they are disgusted to gays and sometimes mocking them. They are proud of their straight love story, but now I can just smirk to their life after marriage. My best revenge is when they still need my help to solve their problem after all. Although I realise no one knows someone's future, but at least we can spare to the worst scenario. I feel like I am living in the world full of hypocrisy.
I know that even I explain this thing repeatedly and excessively, they will never understand, because they never be me. They choose their logic to be imprisoned in the threat of religion. I was so disappointed but now I don't listen to what they say. I do not need them to understand me. I am gonna make them see if I am worth to live and to be loved. I am going to be real me, to be a good and nice boy.
