Why can't I accept a failure?

Sydney, 3 April 2017

I don't know why I always feel over-worrying like this. So, I just had a managerial accounting class. I thought I could do it well but I ruined myself. I got negative feedback from my teacher. I actually knew how to do it correctly even before my teacher told her feedback to me. I just didn't do it. I just wasted my chance.

I keep saying to myself that I shouldn't have done those unnecessary silly stupid mistakes. I keep telling myself to let it go and take it as a learning process with some costs I have to bear, but I can't. It's something different.

When I know that I don't have the capability to do it, I am actually satisfied with any result I get. I consider it as a learning process. But when I do really know how to do it correctly, but I ruin it, and that makes people see me mistakenly, I cannot accept that situation. 

I don't know why I am like this. I guess it is because my bad experiences in the past. I was always a good boy but people had prejudices towards people like me. I kept the anger by myself and grew up as a vengeful person. I have had enough to be accused for something I shouldn't be.

So for my case today, it feels like I cannot accept the blame since deep in my heart I was actually not wrong. I actually knew how to do it correctly. I just didn't do it correctly, but I didn't mean it. I just cannot accept any accusations on me.

That makes me feel so regretful and keep blaming myself for having done a stupid mistake. I cannot forgive myself.

I remember this repetitive pattern in my life.