This afternoon, I got a message from a friend and she sent this to me:
That is me in a school magazine. Couple months ago, a student from my Junior High School alma mater contacted me. She wanted to interview me as the profile of school alumni. And here it is I am now in my Junior High School magazine's alumni profile page.
People may see me as a perfect person, a successful person who has great achievements, great education, and great career. People also know me as a smart, humble, innocent and good boy (I don't make up these statements but people often directly compliment me by saying these words). But they don't know there is something I hide inside me.
I hide anger and grudge as my disappointment for being judged and mocked to be gay. They don't know if I am a gay (or probably they know? but I didn't come out to public). I struggled to be fit in the society, I heard countless hate speech towards LGBT in the name of religion, I saw hypocrisy on those religious people who judge LGBT, but I faked the smile in front of them.
Since homosexuality is still considered as a huge sin by most of Indonesians, I know that my credibility will be gone instantaneously if they know that I am a gay. All my dedication as a good, diligent, and obedient boy will be worthless. I'll be labelled as scumbag that deserves a public shaming or even a death penalty.
I don't know why I am gay, and I don't see why they blame me. I feel so sick and hate to those hypocrites, those who don't do any better but think that they were the rightest person on earth that deserves to judge people like me. I hide this dark side from society, and I live with double personalities.
This conflict inside me makes me stay away from the society. I prefer to be alone.
