Sydney, 17 May 2017
I don't have a really close friend. I admit that I always make a distance to them. I am afraid that if I am too close to them, it eventually makes me hate them for their bad habits that I don't like. Generally, some of my good friends are those who I do not really close by. So, even though we are good friends, mostly I don't really know what really happens to them, or I don't really care to what they do.
I cannot always make a good friend to everyone. I always have some people that were friends at the beginning but turned to be people that I really really hate at the end, in every place where I live. They were my close friends, so close that some of their behaviours slowly start to annoy me, such as judging, mocking, interfering my personal space, or being hypocrites. I usually conceal my anger, keep it by myself, keep being nice in front of them until I couldn't bear it anymore. Then, I suddenly turned into totally different person that they never expected in me. They thought I am only a nice, quiet, always smiling and helpful guy that can never get angry. Some of them even underestimated me by saying "I don't believe if you can get angry, I really want to see your face when angry". As a result, they have gotten my unforgivable anger until now.
It always happens to me like once a year. I am sad to have this situation. I don't wanna lose any more friends. So that's why I prefer to make a distance with people. Sometimes it makes me think if the problem is me, not them. Sometimes I feel that I am the rightest one. Sometimes I feel that I have done everything nice to them but they deceived me by judging and mocking me. I am questioning whether it is just me who cannot make a good friend with others. That makes me rethink about my attitude towards my society. Then, I pull myself from social life for some times to contemplate everything.
However it never happens to my ex boyfriends. We were so close that I could tell almost anything to them. I don't mind if they say or judge me straightforwardly. Or is it because I am open to them to express my feeling and feeling free to reply their words? I didn't keep hatred or anger towards them. I am honest to express my feeling. I didn't hesitate to say anything to them. Or is it because they were my medium to ease my depression? In their shoulder I lean on my weary when the people keep judging us. Separation was the saddest thing but we broke up in respectful manner.
