Sydney, 17 May 2017
OCD or "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", those were the words I found when I scrolled down my Facebook newsfeed this evening. Then I googled some information about it. I thought I am suffering from anxiety disorder, but what I read from OCD mostly explains what I feel.
Since the last time I got my new phone, I am always worried if I am not taking care my new phone carefully and eventually significantly impairing its quality and durability. I ALWAYS do the same steps before I charge my phone: 1) clean the recent apps history, 2) run device maintenance, 3) check apps' battery usage, 4) check performance mode, 5) clean storage for unnecessary files, 6) clean RAM, 7) clean the recent apps history again, then 8) turn it off.
And even I have a procedure in charging the phone: 1) the phone must be turned off during charging, 2) turn on the phone only after several minutes it is fully charged, turn it on while the phone is still connected to cable charger, 3) turn it on until the phone is fully ready (after it loads everything), 4) unlock the phone, 5) let the screen dims, 6) unplug charger from power outlet (not unplug charger cable from the phone! since I believe there must be remaining electricity stored in charger capacitor, thus unplugging the charger from power outlet will 100% drain remaining electricity on the charger and fully absorbed by phone's battery), 7) rest the phone for quite a while before it is ready to use.
If I miss even a single step of the procedure, I will definitely feel not right and uneasy about my phone, and I will definitely repeat the step from the beginning, not only once, but twice or three to five times until I feel calm down and secure. If some worrying things happen, I will definitely cannot sleep and be haunted by the condition of my phone, such as when a dirt get in to mic couple weeks ago, or when I connected my S8 with my old Note 3 via cable data yesterday but it froze all the time. Or I always recheck and recheck again and again if the phone setting is in my preference, and when the setting suddenly changes without my acknowledgement, it stresses me out just to find out why it suddenly changes. Even, I didn't not let a single dirt stays in my phone surface when I clean it before I put it into its case. I examined it really really carefully. I prefer to skip other activities and classes just to make sure if my phone is just fine.
I am so tired of my anxiety and worrying, But I cannot think straight when those disorderliness just happen. Some of the cases, when I cannot assure myself that everything will be okay, I end up with destroying the things that haunt my mind. What I do with my phone is just one example in my life, but I have a lot of similar pattern in almost any activities in my life. I am obsessed with orderliness and perfection. My perfection is driven by over-anxiety and over-worrying that quite often results in redoing and rechecking my works again and again just to make sure whether or not I have done it correctly.
Recently in some of my classes, I did some mistakes when I answered some questions from my teachers. I instantly blamed my self for having done stupid things and kept saying "I hate myself" and "I shouldn't answer the question" repeatedly, and discouraged myself to get involved to any class activities anymore. Now I remember who I used to be when I was young. I was a very quiet boy, dragged myself from social life, since I was discouraged for being wrong in the society. I overthink about almost everything. I am worried about almost everything. I blamed unfairness in my life, but I kept it by myself. I am irritated by disorderliness. And this is what I am now.
So I took an OCD test on the website, here is the link https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocdquiz.htm and here is my result:
