The Ladies That Have Come and Gone in My Life

Sydney, 24 May 2017

Hi, today I want to share my story about the women who have come and gone in my life until I decided to stop finding them after I turned 30.

As you may know, I have tried relentlessly to love woman and wished that I can "cure" my homosexuality. But, instead of getting "cured", I was haunted by the guilty feeling by lying my love to myself and to my women, and depressed by the hate speech said by those hypocrites. Thus, when I turned 30, I promised to myself to be happy for who I really am and not to live someone else's life.

I hit my puberty when I was in second year of Junior Highs School. But I guess I started to have a sexual attraction (in my case: to same gender) when I was in third year of Junior High School or First Year of Senior High School. It is a pretty late age to hit puberty tho.

I really remember my first crush in my Senior High School. I didn't know his name, but I often met him in school's praying room. I didn't have any bravery to make approach to him at all. I knew that it was abnormal. Moreover, many of my male friends started to date with their girlfriend. It pressurise me who had no girl to date (or correctly saying: who was not attracted to girl). 

Then, in the next year, I made a move by dating a girl, her initial is SN. She was my friend in tutorial lesson when we were in Junior High School. I forgot how it started, but I guess I texted her first and the communication continued until I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. She wasn't pretty girl (since I didn't have any clue about the definition of "pretty" girl in straights' perspective) but she was smart and independent girl, and that made me interested to her personality not sexuality.

We went to movie only once. I went to her house couple of times. We didn't talk much. For me, it didn't go naturally. I couldn't find the chemistry between us. My love was artificial. When I moved to Jakarta for my college, she said to me "You'd better to find another girl". That was the time that I knew she left me. She didn't reply my messages. She didn't answer my calling. I was so sad at that time. I felt so guilty to her and I couldn't forgive myself. I have lied her. I gave her a fake love. I only used her for my purpose to be a straight man without her consent. It didn't work. It made me feeling so guilty and depressed.

Meanwhile, I had a very close female friend in Senior High School, her initial is D. Our homes were very close to each other, thus I was very often visiting her house. Her family was so kind to me, and her mother always said to me "I entrust D to you". Years had gone by, and even after we graduated from high school and we lived in different city for our colleges, me and D still got along really well. She was fairly pretty, very smart, and has a very nice personality.

A lot of people said to me "you should be with her". To be honest, I was thinking the same way too. But the one big problem for me is her family is strongly religious Muslims. Meanwhile, I had lost my belief to Islam. I didn't have a heart to spoil her with my rebellion. It is not to mention that I didn't have any sexual attraction to a woman. I just didn't want to mess her life. However, I felt so sad when she got married. I should have had her to be my wife if only I were not a homosexual and not a non-believer, since she was perfect.

The next woman I had in my life has initial M. We went to the same college but I didn't know her at all. I haven't met her as well (even up to now!). When I worked in Ponorogo, she approached me first. I think she knew me from my Friendster. She was also the one who told me to create a Facebook account in 2009. She texted and called me everyday. I was cautious yet I was hoping for a relationship with a woman. My boyfriend at that time supported me to have a relationship with her.

Shortly, in early 2011, I moved back to Jakarta for another undergrad degree. Another motivation to move to Jakarta was to get close to her (M). I just wanted to make a move for our relationship into serious one. But as I came to Jakarta, she suddenly didn't reply my messages nor did she answer my calls without any reasons. I felt so dumped and played.

At the end of my second college life, my lecturer wanted to introduce her daughter to me. At first, I was apathetic. But later on, I found that she was so attractive. She was a pretty girl. Her initial is E or she prefers me to call her V. We made communications really well. However, her mother said to me that she had been deceived by her ex. So it made me so careful in making further steps, since I was afraid to hurt her.

However, my carefulness was meant differently by her. She thought I was not serious enough. So she told me that she had already had another boyfriend again. I was super sad and disappointed. That was the moment that I thought I finally found my true love.

I moved to Malang for work. During this time, I made approach to a girl that I met in my last college, her initial is NK. We communicated really very well. After couple months of having good communication, I decided to visit her just to clarify our further relationship. We both agreed to take a-week-off to have holiday together in Jakarta and Bogor.

However, I couldn't get any sexual attraction to her when I was beside her. It was unlike the feeling when I am with my boyfriend. Again, my holiday became a nightmare for me since I felt bad to fake the feeling. It was not natural. It reminded me with my first relationship with SN. Later, she told me that she didn't want to have any romance relationship yet. It was such a relief for me, at least for a while.

Come back again to the story of V, she contacted me again after a year or so. She told me if she was cheated again by her boyfriend. I also knew that she was in treatment for her mental illness. I still kept my feeling to her. When she asked me to accompany her in psychiatric hospital, I just bought a flight ticket at that day without further ado. But later on, her mother called me, cried, and asked me not to go. It was a very complex problem that she had, and she told me almost all of her story. So I knew what happened to her.

So, after she got better, she told me that she was going to visit me in Malang. I was more than happy to hear that. However, despite my feeling to her, still I didn't get any sexual attraction when I was holding her hands or when I hug her. I was so sad. I was so afraid what if we really marry and she finds me that I am gay and I cannot have sex with her since my penis is malfunctioning to woman. Wouldn't it hurt her even more?

At that moment also, she told me that she was actually having a new boyfriend (that later becomes her husband). I actually knew it but I just didn't want to talk about it. Then I asked her what she searched in me, since I felt that I was used (p.s. -emotionally, not -materially) by her (p.s. I was wrong. She never meant to use me in any ways). She said she regarded me as her brother. That sentence was enough for me to clarify our relationship. Despite my disappointment, I was so happy for her that she finally found a man who can take care of her.

Years passed by and I got older. Pressure from the society escalated when they kept asking whether I wasn't married or I didn't have any girlfriend. Some of them even mocked me if I am a gay (well that was actually true but I just didn't show it up). When I moved to Jember, I met an office mate that I found her a sweet one. Her initial is L. I thought she liked me, since she gave chances to me to approach her. But later on I found that she had a relationship with another guy in office. That was a disappointment for me.

During my last days in Jember before I leave for Sydney, my houselord introduced me to her niece. Her initial is F. She was calm and quiet, and innocent. She was also fairly pretty with long hair. We met twice and she was really nice and respectful. But later on, I decided to end the chance to our further relationship since I had been tired already with such relationship. I had no sexual attraction to woman no matter how hard I tried. I just didn't want to hurt any heart anymore. I knew that F really liked me, but I guessed it is better to end the possibility of relationship at the beginning rather than to give her a false hope at the end.

Those are seven women that I have approached, not to mention some other women that have tried to approach me (but I didn't really respond them for various reasons). I have tried in so many ways to be sexually attracted to woman including by dating them, but none has worked. I have tried for about 15 years already and I feel enough to fake myself and to hurt many hearts.

My feeling to women is different with my feeling to men. I like women, I adore their beauty, I feel comfortable beside her, but it is only the feeling of love as a bestfriend. There is no chemistry of love. Meanwhile my feeling to men involves anxiety, nervousness, a faster heartbeat, happiness, missing, craziness, infatuation, possession, jelousy, desire, and everything that comes naturally when someone is falling in love. These kind of feelings that I couldn't find in women.

What makes it even distinctive is that I couldn't find any sexual desire to women at all no matter how pretty and how sexy they are and no matter how hard I try. My penis can never be aroused even if it is being touched by a sexy lady. Meanwhile, I have a sexual desire that comes naturally when I find a man is attractive for me. I never try to make up this condition. I never understand why I am like this. It was just like this when the first time I had my puberty.

So, anyone who does not struggle with such life, who are sexually attracted to opposite sex that comes naturally, shall be grateful. You shouldn't disgrace people like us.

P.S. Whether it is a coincidence or not, but all those women I told here are all the first child of their parents. There is a believe in Javanese tradition if the third child (which is me) cannot marry the first child, otherwise something bad will happen to them. I don't really care about that myth tho. Maybe because I was taken care by my elder sister when I was kid, that's why I find comfortness in mature and caring women.